Kyndal

a perfect suprise

2011-09-06T13:54:00.001-07:00

It was Fathers Day, and we had been at the baseball game. We stopped by your gravesite to visit. We got out of the car, and this is what we found.. Your headstone had been set.
We knew it was going to be soon, but figured the cemetary place would call us.. I think it was better this way.. to find it for ourselves.. It's like you sent it that day... What a great gift.. and even better on Father's Day.. We will never forget the day we found it.. I of course cried.. happy tears.. The boys were so excited.. It is perfect.. the flowers are perfect.. perfect.. just for you!

Your birthday is coming up in another month. You would of been 2. your brothers asked me the other day how old you are.. they remember you. I hope they will always remember you.

As the 2nd angelversary is near, it seems like yesterday that you were in our arms, but then again it seems like an eternity ago. We will be doing something special for your birthday. Grandma Dill will be in town also, so we will include her in your day.

I sure hope you are busy doing good above and busy helping others.. Sometimes it all feels like a dream.. I hope I can be the kind of mom who is listening to the Spirit enough to feel you close.

We are anxious for a baby.. can you send one our way? I am sure you are having fun with he/she now... we would love a little baby in our home. The smells, the late nights..

Love, your momma

What is to come

2011-04-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

For Family Home Evening, I gave a quick lesson to the boys about Easter and the Resurrection.. ( when your body and your spirit will come back together, and you will live forever)
They already knew so much about it from Primary, but I was so happy to share the message with them. Kyndal, their sister will recieve this same gift, given to all who have lived or will live..
The message was much more powerful, and Camden said
" we are going to live with her forever? we will get to play with her? awesome!"
My little heart was full of joy. I was crying and Camden wondered if I was happy or sad. I whispered "happy"..

Sometimes I think lets just get the 2nd coming here, so we can be together forever :)

Easter is one of my favorite Holidays.. the colors, the newness..
We will be visiting your grave this week to place a few easter eggs. Soon you will have a headstone. We cant wait to see it.

I know Sunday will be an emotional day, with it being Easter. Although you will never have a new Easter dress, I feel closer to you during this time of year.

I saw Dr. Guzman today.. for my annual checkup. I had been waiting to see him til i got pregnant. well that hasnt happened yet, so I figured i had better see him. I asked him if he would check my hormones and see what we can do to get pregnant. I cried when i saw him. I have a special place for him in my heart. He was the first one to hold you.. he cried with us. He is an amazing dr. He asked about our family, and if the boys ask about their sister. He has twin boys who are adorable. I was so nervous on the way there, knowing I would get emotional when I saw him.

We hope a brother or sister will bless our family soon.

The BBQ we had in your honor was wonderful. We raised over 700 dollars.
agoodgrief.com will be able to help another family with a headstone.

The other day when I had a few minutes to think, I was thinking.. do you miss me?
I had never really thought about it that way. I hope that you have someone mothering you, and that you arent lonely. I couldnt help but be grateful for a Grandmother who influenced my life who is now there with you. She made the best taffy, and loved Coke :)
I hope you visit me and make memories with our family. I definitly have felt closer to you the last few weeks. Your brothers are getting so big. They talk about you often.

What is to come... I cant wait for!

For you...

2011-03-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

Soon your little resting place will look different. A beautiful headstone is being worked on. We can't wait to see it in place.. for you...

Saturday we went to visit your gravesite. We met the Greer's, another family who has their baby Brigham buried near Kyndal.. Grandma White sent these flowers for you. We brought them home from our vacation last week.. from North Carolina.

Soon after Kyndal died, I came across a blog.. http://agoodgrief.com ..( their daughter Lucy passed away from a small piece of apple in her lungs). I read her blog about a year ago... I read lots of blogs about children dying.. angel mothers... etc.. Fast forward to January this year... I recieved an email from a good grief.. an update email about a short BYUtv clip that was done about their family.. and their foundation who helps families purchase headstones....I emailed Molly, Lucy's mom.. wondering what it takes to get sponsored.. and I recieved a sweet email from her less than 6 hours later informing us they would love to help us.. and for us to start looking at headstones. I couldnt believe my eyes. This stranger willing to help us honor Kyndal with a beautiful headstone. I told Blades right away, and we were so happy. I texted my friend Debra to let her know.. since we share cemetaries.. Her husband Landon is buried in the same cemetary as Kyndal. I knew she would get my excitement. We shared the news with our family, and each time felt grateful for this gift.

We started our search for the perfect headstone. We have picked one out.. Her name, October 8, 2009.. and "Child of God"... There are two big flowers for the corners on the bottom.. The draft just had one, but it looked like it needed one more to us... after another draft, we signed off on it.

Blades wanted to somehow give back to this foundation that is giving to us... He talked about fundraising... having a bbq... smoked pulled pork... North Carolina style with all the fixin's...

The date is set for April 9... at the park by our house.. We are excited for the event..

We will be having a bakesale too. If you live in our area.. we would love for you to attend.. You can email me with questions if you have any.. coridillio@hotmail.com..

Christmastime

2010-12-22T12:06:00.001-08:00

We collected pinecones from Kyndal's cemetary a few weeks ago. This is what we made with them.. ornaments for Grandparents. We also made birdfeeders with pinecones too. it was fun having Kyndal be a part of it from the pinecones.. It made them more special..
We went to decorate the other day her grave. The kids enjoyed decorating the little metal tree we have for her.

a kiss

2010-11-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

your hands felt so soft.. and perfect... just like the rest of your tiny body.

I look forward to the day I can kiss your pretty girly hands again.

Walking to remember

2010-11-02T14:39:00.001-07:00

We walked with balloons for her..

I made these necklaces with her on them. so everyone could see how cute she is.

The boys wore their " im a big brother" shirts

I couldnt believe how many people were there.. all going through the same thing

a wonderful event to honor children that have died.

we will be adding this to our yearly calendars.

Group was last night... there were 2 new people. they are just starting their grief journey. A journey it is... but how far I have come in 1 year. Time helps.. and heals. It is still hard, but time makes it easier...

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

Happy Birthday Kyndal

2010-10-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

We celebrated the day with friends at your grave. We had pink cookies, pink balloons and released them for you to catch.

The day was easier than I thought it would be. There were tears, but got through it with the help of friends, family and prayers... Those help the most I know they do. I appreciate all those that remembered you on your special day.

Our house is full of beautiful flowers that friends and family have sent. They have brightened our house and spirits.

We miss and love you Kyndal Ann.. we are that much closer to being with you again!
The best advice I heard was " be her mom today". I tried to remember that all day..

friends and flowers

2010-10-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

What wonderful friends we have. I recieved both of these sets of flowers today. Each time I recieved them, I cried. My friends are so thoughtful. Some things I've learned about flowers...

I always associate them with funerals now..

The smell reminds me of my hospital room

Our house was bursting with flowers when we came home last year.

We have alot of vases now.

They brighten my day!

I made it through

2010-10-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

Last night was support group.. I knew it would be hard with the anniversary coming on Friday. I made it through. It was a great group. Layne came with me. Blades stayed home with the boys. It will be a tough week, but we can do it with the help of the Lord. Thanks to all of you for thinking about us this week. It means alot!

A poem thats perfect

2010-09-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

No treats, no tricks this year
to brighten up her smile
No searches for tiny costumes
down crowded clothing aisles

I did not get to choose
what my child would be this year
For you see, she's gone to heaven
and the future seems so unclear

But I imagine she has a tiny halo
floating right above her head
And I swear shes watching over us
and this is what she said.

"I may not get to join you
on this chilly Halloween night
But I'm a tiny angel now,
I'm never out of sight

You can see me in the changing leaves
that fall from above
And when the wind whistles by your ear
I'm whispering my love

I saw this on a friends facebook status who also lost a baby to a cord accident. I thought it was perfect!

a teary day

2010-09-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

1. A sunday school lesson where we were asked to share a scripture that has touched us lately. I shared 3 nephi 11.. when Christ comes to visit the people here and blesses the children one by one.. and that how the things that were felt and seen couldnt be written down.. because there were no words for it.. ( i'm paraphrasing here )
It was a chapter that Blades and I read in the hospital after Kyndal had died. It gave us comfort. What a blessing that we could turn to the scriptures and find peace during a difficult time..
While sharing this experience I couldnt help but bawl.. There I sit next to some great friends who have meant alot and helped us tremendously through this.. Bishop Bourgeous came up to me afterwards with tears in his eyes and expressed how much he appreciated sharing her story with the class. ( he was there and our first visitor at the hospital)
He said that there would be many more times when we would be able to share this with others.

2. An email from a cousin that included sweet words about Kyndal and our family. It is great to get unexpected notes from loved ones that mention our experience. I appreciate it. and love talking about Kyndal.

3. The word "year" is getting closer. I'm a bit worried about "the day".. but we are having a Kyndal celebration on the 8th at her gravesite. We wanted to do something, but not a party.. We will release balloons, and have cookies and punch.

I wrote in the kids' journals today. I try to do it atleast once a month. I will go now and look at her pictures and books. I will be more teary, but it feels good. At support group the counselor said grief tears are chemically different than any other tears. That has always stuck with me, and I remember crying is ok. It's tough when the kids come up to me and ask if I am happy or sad.. It makes me cry more..

We were driving by a bridge today and Camden said if it broke and we fell down there he would get a rope, climb up and rescue me, dad, case and Kyndal if she was here. It was sweet. I am so glad they remember their sister.

eleven

2010-09-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

11 months ago she was here.. for a short time.
I was able to touch her, and hold her perfect body.
It feels like so long ago, yet the memories are still sweet like it was yesterday.
The boys rubbed her head and arms at the funeral home when they met her for the first time.
It was sweet... a memory I will never replace. We went in as a family .. just blades and I.. and the kids..and Kyndal was all dressed in white.., not yet in her "basket" ( like Camden calls it)... they would of stayed there all evening just looking at her.

The reality of it all seems to be more real on days like the 8th. With 1 year approaching, although it's just another day I am worried how that day will be. It's not like I still wont miss her, but I fear that since its a big milestone things will change. I pray that she will always be close to all of us.. the kids will be able to remember meeting their sister.. who now watches and cheers for them from above.

Now that my shirt and neck are wet from tears, I'd better get Kyndal's brothers a snack. Next month is also the walk to remember. The support group that I go to holds it every year. I am hoping Grandma Dill can make her a square for the blankets that people walk with to remember thier baby's.

I went to a body image class that our ward had. Special speakers came and it talked all about how girls and women feel how their bodies should look like.. How the media portrays women. I felt close to Kyndal and I was thinking.. wow she will never have to worry about any of this... her body is perfect. They also talked about how womens bodies change as teenagers and on through womanhood for one reason only. To have babies.. a big part of Heavenly Fathers plan... I will always be grateful for the blessing of having Kyndal. Although she is not here with a body, she will always be ours. I held a baby that night who was tiny.. I've never really gotten emotional while holding someone elses baby since Kyndal died, I guess it was because I felt her so close that evening.. since the message was for mothers and daughters. The mother told me how much she has thought about me the last 6 weeks since her baby was born. Another friend, saying kind words.

The one thing I do think about it.. would she be chunky?? most likely yes!
What would her brothers be trying to feed/play with her..

I guess once we are all in heaven.. she can show me all of that stuff.. for now I hold onto the few but precious memories we had with Kyndal. Our lives will never be the same. We were changed that day last October.. for the good..

A thoughtful friend and lots of baby girls

2010-08-29T19:37:00.001-07:00

Kyndal's big flower in her hair.

This is a picture of me at my babyshower for Kyndal. Almost a year ago.. I wore this pink flower in my hair since my shirt was brown I figured I needed to sport some pink for her arrival. A good friend had given me this flower the day we found out that Kyndal was a girl. Rian and Chloe brought over pink cupcakes, and this hairflower. It was packed in the bag for Kyndal at the hospital and she wore it for many of her pictures that we took of her. The gerber daisy is important to our family now. I think of Kyndal when I see one. The flower overpowered her little head, but it sure was cute. I still wear the flower quite often.. Holiday's mostly..

so she is in our pictures :)

I also wore it at her funeral. In her vase of flowers at her gravesite there is a big gerber daisy too!

Crystal is a great friend who actually put Kyndal's blessing dress in a shadow box for me and has been a great support through Kyndal's death. She came to the hospital more than once.. offered her hugs and thoughts. She lost Sage in March 09 to SIDS. We visited a few times after his death, and she is an amazing friend. We love to get together and talk about our babies that are now in heaven. She had Ellie a few days ago, and I got to meet her last night. She is adorable and it's so fun to see how happy their whole family is with this new gift right from heaven.

The night of her delivery, it was stormy and I couldnt help but think of Sage throwing a fit up there having to let his sister come to earth...

Her mom posted this on her blog and wanted to copy it to mine..

( her mom took all of the pictures at Kyndal's funeral, viewing and burial..)

( from Liz's blog)

This picture we took in memory of Kyndal Ann White, daughter of Crystal's dear friend Cori White. Kyndal was born still October 8, 2009. Cori wore a pink flower at her shower and then wore that same flower at her daughters funeral. The pink flower is in memory of Kyndal. We like to think of Sage and Kyndal together with Ellie before she was born. Telling her about all her wonderful family and this amazing place we call " earth". In Memory of Kyndal.

I bawled as I read this on her blog. It was wonderful to see someone remember Kyndal other than us. This family is so thoughtful and I am happy they have a rainbow baby.
Thanks Crystal and Liz!

Monday, my dad's girlfriends daughter JoAnn had a baby Jenni..
( a little early so she is still growing but will be home soon)

Joe and Diane had a baby girl on Wed morning at home.. and I am so glad everything went well.

Crystal and Spencer had Ellie on Tue night..

Lots of baby girls

Thinking of her

2010-08-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner and one of them asked " Who is Kyndal?" He had seen the sign that we have in our living room.. Camden got to tell him all about her.. and that she is in heaven waiting for us. I love talking about her, but it was fun to see Camden so willing and happy to tell them about his sister.

Support group is the first Monday of the month.. and yesterday ( tuesday) I remembered.. A day late.. oops.. I was bugged at myself. I always enjoy going.. so next month I will put it on my calendar forsure.

We are coming upon 10 months. It seems like yesterday.. but a long time ago too. Can't wait for eternity.. Time will be better there.. plus she will be with us FOREVER!

The dr. told us to wait 9 months ( 18 months) til delivery to have another baby. We hope that another baby will bless our family in the next few months. Kyndal.. send him/her .. you can play later!

When I was in Wyoming I found a picture of my grandparents when they were really young. It was a picture I had never seen.. or atleast remembered...I picture heaven like this... Grandma Hazel is taking care of Kyndal.. among others I am sure. Does she peek into our lives and see what we are/arent doing? I wish she would send me some patience and alot of it.. her brothers are driving me about crazy.. School will start soon and they are excited...

In my room I have on my dresser all of Kyndals things. The blessing dress in the frame, pictures, a teddy bear, her handprints and feetprints... Stuff always piles up on that dresser, but last night I dusted it all off. It looks so much better when I can see all of her "stuff".

We sure are happy to have her part of our family and think of her often.

9 nine

2010-07-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

We have been in Wyoming with Grandma Dill when the 8th came. It has been 9 months. Time is a crazy thing. It seems like yesterday we were holding you in our arms, but it seems like so long ago some days.
We flew into Las Vegas to see Grandpa Dill and went to the temple with Camie and Neil while we were there. I felt like I was at home in the Las Vegas temple.. the celestial room was a beautiful place and still my favorite. I felt close to you.
Camie and Neil made a beautiful hardbound book with your pictures in it. I cried when they gave it to me. It will be a treasure in our house forsure. I'm glad we have friends that are so thoughtful.

Memorial Day

2010-06-01T15:12:00.001-07:00

I think the only other time I have gone to a cemetary on Memorial Day was a few years back when I was in Wyoming, and put flowers on my Grandmother and Grandfathers graves. As the day approached, we knew Blades would be working that day, so we went early last week before the holiday to visit Kyndals grave. Monday, my friend Debra called to tell me she had been there and had stopped to see Kyndal. ( her husband is buried in the same cemetary.. we always stop to see eachothers graves) I did not have plans on going down there yesterday, but figured I had better. Blades was working, so it was just the kids and I. We visited for a while, then went to McDonalds to play. There were lots of visitors there that day. I always thought Memorial Day was just for the military, but I guess this holiday is a new one for our family. These pictures are from about a month ago..

Kyndal's flowers

Case reading his scriptures. Each time we go he looks for his Book of Mormon in the car.

The boys listening to dad read a scripture

Happy to have his own Book of Mormon

Sweet brothers

2010-04-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

Just a few thoughts...

Camden and Case got a helium balloon today, and always want to send it up to Kyndal in heaven. They thought about it, then changed their minds.. the thought was nice :)

We were watching the Walk for the cure TV ad the other day, and the lady talks about not having a choice if she was going to lose her mom or not.. Camden said " we lost Kyndal huh mom?". It was cute and thoughtful.

We were running errands the other day and were near the grave. We decided to make a quick stop. The boys love to gather pinecones, and see what other treasures people leave for their babies. I am thankful that they enjoy going and visiting Kyndals grave and that its not scary for them.

The weather was perfect today, and the clouds in the sky were white and puffy.. It made this momma happy.. and made me think of baby Kyndal.

6 months.. half a year

2010-04-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today Kyndal would be 6 months old. Wow time has really gone by quickly. As much as it has flown by we feel really blessed. The grief is still there, but comes in less. We still think about her daily. Even her brothers remind us about her. Today we had morning prayer on her rug that is in our room. Case was the one who mentioned the rug.. it was sweet.
At support group we were talking about how everyone is in different places of thier grief.. some just lost babies.. others it has been years.. the feelings never change.. but things get a little easier as time passes. I am finding that to be so true. Many others in the group are still so angry.. I am so grateful that I have never felt angry in this whole process. Some of these dads want to hurt people. Blades too has never felt angry about it. It has been life changing.. but now I have a piece of our family in Heaven waiting for us. It makes heaven seem a bit more real.. and close..

Time does some crazy things..

Easter Promises

2010-04-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

" Our eyes may be moist with tears, but our hearts burn with the knowledge that the bands of death have been broken and that we will one day be reunited to share the

blessings of eternal life". Thomas S. Monson

This weekend we got to listen to General Conference and hear all the messages from the prophet and apostles. What a blessing. The messages were sweet. Many spoke of the Ressurection and how we will all be reunited ( our spirits and bodies) because of Jesus Christ.

The theme of conference to me seemed to be about family and making sure we are teaching our children about Jesus Christ. How we should take every opportunity to teach our children...

"tell me the stories of Jesus".

We had a wonderful Easter dinner with some great friends and thought of Kyndal all day. We got out the nice plates, tablecloths ... I wore her flower in my hair.. I can't imagine what it will be like when we will all see her again. I can't even imagine what it will be like.

How grateful I am that Easter brings a great promise. Through Jesus Christ I can live forever.. that's part of the free gift he gave to all of us.. immortality.. It's only through Him that I can be forgiven and be worthy to return to my Father in Heaven.. and live forever with my entire family including baby Kyndal. For now I pray that others are taking care of her.. Grandma's, Aunts, cousins, friends.. I wonder what Easter is like in heaven? I hope they celebrate.. or atleast watch us celebrating and laugh at us hiding eggs in the night for our little ones to find at the crack of dawn..

I've always loved Easter.. the colors, flowers, candy and the spring in the air.. How much more special it is now to our family. A day to celebrate Christ's Resurrection.

I taught the combined YW lesson last week about Easter. I talked about Kyndal and of course bawled. I enjoyed sharing the message with these sweet 12-18 year olds. I hope they felt the Spirit and learned something new about the Atonement.

Tonight is support group. I always look forward to it.

In 3 days, Kyndal would be 6 months old. Time is crazy.. could that really be?

A Sunday dinner conversation

2010-03-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

Eating dinner after church on Sunday, Dad asks Camden what he learned about at church.
" How to be nice to people". "Like playing with your brother." " Like playing legos with eachother."
Do you love your brother?
" Yes".
Do you have a sister?
" Yes, I miss her."

I miss her too Camden. We are approaching the 6th month of Kyndals death. Thats half a year.. unbelievable how fast time goes. What kinds of things would she be doing? She would of been chubby forsure. Would she allow me to put those huge bows in her hair? With Easter coming, I am looking forward to the message that comes with Easter. That everyone will be resurrected and live again. We are patiently waiting for that day. I am kinda bummed that Easter falls on General Conference weekend, and I wont be able to dress up my kids and take them to church... but maybe its a blessing.
We got some new flowers and a windmill to put at Kyndals grave. As soon as I bought it, Camden knew just who it was for. Maybe the pink and purple gave it away, but I'm glad he is thinking about her too!
This morning Case snuck into bed with us and fell back asleep. I peeked over at him, and his eyes looked just like Kyndal's sleeping face. It made me happy!

Flowers

2010-02-15T16:09:00.000-08:00

Kyndal,
Valentines Day was yesterday, and your dad got me some white roses and set them in a vase in the kitchen when he was home, and I was out with your brothers. It was one of the vases from the many beautiful flowers that were sent to us when you passed away. I walked by them and smelled them. I love the smell of flowers, especially roses, and it had a new smell and new memories when I smelled them this time. I thought of you. I told your dad I didnt think that I would ever smell flowers again and not think of you. When we were in the hospital, nurses and visitors would come in and they would all comment about how pretty the flowers were and commented on how pretty it smelled in our room.
I wore the pink gerber daisy yesterday to church on my dress. It makes me happy when I see it. I can still picture it overwhelming your little head, but every girl has to have a big flower on a headband.. or atleast you were going to.. :)
The kids noticed the flower on me too, and I told them it was Kyndals flower. A friend at church commented on the flower too, and I said it was yours.. She said she thought so... Dad said he tried to find gerber daisies instead of roses, but couldnt find any. He is so thoughtful.
Aunt Joan called today and wondered how I am doing. She wanted me to know that she was thinking of me, and wanted to tell me she loved me. It was a wonderful phone call. She has meant alot to me over the years. Her and Uncle Nick always set such an example to me when I was growing up. She wanted to tell me her heart breaks for us.. They too lost a daughter. Sydney was struck by lightning when she was a Junior in HS. My mom was pregnant with me, so it has been 32 years, but the feelings are still real. I love hearing stories about Sydney and how it brought their family close after the accident. I told Aunt Joan I feel so blessed. Priorities and life changes once you lose a child. The big things matter now like life after death, and we cant wait to see Kyndal again. It was nice break in the middle of my day to think about you. I love you baby!
Here is just one of the many arrangements that were sent.

Kyndal being held by her Grandmother Dill with the big flower

She looked like you mommy..

2010-02-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

The other day we were talking about Kyndal and I asked Camden what he remembered about Kyndal.. What did she look like I asked... " She looked like you Mommy". It was the sweetest thing to hear. We have looked at pictures of me as an infant and she really did look alot like me. That makes me happy. She had dark hair and Im sure she had dark eyes.
In Primary, they were talking about the Resurection, and Camden leaned over to his teacher and mentioned something about Case, him and his sister Kyndal being resurrected.
( Thanks Debra for listening to the sweet moment and sharing it )
Yesterday marked 4 months since Kyndal's death. Time is funny. It seems like yesterday, but yet the time is going so fast.
We visited her grave, bought some flowers to leave out and a Valentine balloon.
For Family night, we watched the video we have of Kyndal in the hospital, Blades giving her a blessing, and the time the kids were able to see her at the funeral home. They kept rubbing and rubbing her head. It was so sweet. I cherish those videos we have. It is so much different than still pictures, although we love those too.
I will try to find the infant picture of me and post it soon.

Support

2010-02-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

Today I feel supported. It's quite the word. It means so many things. I have felt the support from family, friends, the Lord , ward members, and a new group that I met last night. I was worried about attending not knowing what to expect from a bereavement infant loss support group provided at the hospital. It's on the first Monday of the month, and I always seem to miss it when my mind would think about going. Well I made it last night, along with two great friends. Anabel and Vicky came with me. Blades had to work last night, so I knew I didnt want to go alone. I even called the hospital and asked what I should expect. I was nervous. Was I ready to share my story of Kyndal with strangers? I felt brave and walked in. We all introduced ourselves and could share whatever about our babies that we wanted to. There were others there that too had stillborn children, some genetic disorders, some miscarriages. All attending had some sort of loss. I was alot more emotional than I thought I would be. Just hearing other peoples stories helped me feel like I was not the only one feeling the way I was feeling. Some were angry with the hospital, dr's, and some were angry with God. It bugged me, but I had to realize I am blessed to have the gospel in my life. I know God would not do this to me, or Kyndal. It's amazing the peace that the gospel brings and that the word "angry" was not something I feel. We also talked about the things some people say to those who have lost someone. Most people don't know what to say.. and that's ok...
Don't "should" yourself, and don't let others " should" on you.. (If you say it outloud it sounds almost like a bad word.)
It was a great night. I came home and told Blades about it. We hope to make it together next month. We stopped at In and Out Burger on the way home.. YUM!
So Thanks for the support that you have given our family. I hope to be able to support others like they have supported us.
We even shared pictures of our babies with eachother. Of course everyone thought Kyndal was adorable :) They are right

A Pretty Dress

2010-01-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

We were at Costco today, and the Easter dresses are out ALREADY.. We were with Layne who has two girls, so we had to go take a peek. Camden thought they were pretty and said that maybe we needed to get one for Kyndal. Layne was thoughtful and told Camden that she probably already has a pretty dress in heaven. I love how my boys keep thinking of her. I have always loved Easter.. the colors.. the springtime.. the message of the Resurrection.. Because Christ was resurrected, we too will be.. our spirits and bodies will be reunited. Kyndal will have a perfect body and I am sure will be wearing a pretty dress. Easter I am sure will be even more special to us now.

Moms make everything better

2010-01-15T14:42:00.000-08:00

I am already teary as I write this entry. My mom suprised us from Wyoming and came for a week. I had called her the week before crying saying how out of control my kids are. Next thing I know she was here :) You can read more about it on our family blog.
We had a wonderful week. Just spending time with eachother. Her laughing and playing with my kids. We visited Kyndal's grave and she said our family prayer. She misses Kyndal too. I felt so blessed to have her here. We didnt have many plans for the week, but we sure had a great time. I think we ate and made every treat there was to think of.. including a homemade cherry pie. Aunt Bobi Jo's crust... yuuummmmm!!
I asked her if she would help me put Kyndal's things away. Her dresser and closet were still stuffed with pink and ruffles. It was a very hard thing to do as the drawers became empty. The closet had no more clothes in them. I left her little white and pink blanket hanging in the closet, cause I just couldnt have it all the way empty. I am so glad my mom was here to help me accomplish this task. I knew it would be a hard day, and actually the night before had dreamt about Kyndal. I havent even told anyone this. The dream is vague (sp?) but I remember during the dream knowing she was dead, but she was alive in the dream and wondering why everyone else wasnt as excited as I was that she was alive. Maybe a tender mercy from the Lord, knowing that day was going to be tough. We got through it, the tubs are still in her room that is now Case and Camdens bunk bed room. They sleep in random rooms at random times.
I got an email from a friend that we grew up with in our ward.. asking some questions about Kyndal and how I am so strong? I can only say it is the Lord and the peace of the gospel that makes me strong. It was nice to email her back explaining my feelings and maybe helping her a bit. Kyndals death has helped many, and I love talking about her.
I got a call from a great friend in Las Vegas who is waiting to adopt. I was touched by the things she told me, and hope Kyndal and this unborn baby are friends and soon will join thier family. The Lord loves each of us, and I am seeing that more and more as I am going through this journey.
We picked up Kyndal's death certificate and the audio CD's of her funeral services. We listened to them on the way to Chuckie Cheese's.( grandma's idea) It was nice to hear those sweet comments and talks again. A member of our Stake Pres. spoke at her funeral and did an amazing job. One thing that really sticks out is when he was talking to the boys.. and saying listen to the roar of the crowd.. your sister is watching you as you accomplish goals and grow up. I hope they always remember Kyndal. In our prayers, they mention her and its sweet to hear. Case is quick to remind us if we havent said her name in our prayer. Another thing he mentioned was that she is just as much a part of our family now as she was or would have been. She is watching us.. the things we say.. the activities we participate in.. She's just watching from above.
The words are comforting and I am sure will be for years to come. I hope I can do the things that would make her proud of us.

Christmas

2009-12-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

Christmas is a few days away and we went last week to Kyndal's grave to leave her a little tree. I've had this in my holiday decorations for a few year, and it ended up being perfect. It's supposed to be a Christmas card holder, but we added a few bows and a few ornaments that were on the kids' tree and had a fun time leaving it for Kyndal. The cemetary has a tree in their lobby and we were told that we could make an ornament and place it on their tree. The kids enjoyed making it for her. The boys are behaving better and better each time we go. We have family prayer while we are there. We always feel Kyndal close.
With Christmas only a few days away, I am finding myself getting more nervous about being happy on that day. I took the kids out tonight to get a few stocking stuffers, and look at Christmas lights and balled on the way home. Blades is working late tonight, and I feel like we havent spent much time together doing Christmasy things. I am trying to do all the traditions to make it fun for the kids, but Im just not feeling that into it. We are going to temple lights tomorrow and I hope to feel more into it then. In Sunday School on Sunday, there was a baby in front of us that had a huge flower and hairband in her hair. I couldnt help but think of Kyndal. In Young Women's we did a program for the girls. I helped sing one of the songs. Us leaders sat at the front, and during one of the speaking parts, a friend reached over and touched the bracelets that are pink that are Kyndals. Kyndal is wearing the same ones. I have two of them. It made the tears flow and wouldnt stop. The girls probably think I am nuts, crying like that, but I hope that I will be able to serve these girls and somehow help them in their lives. Maybe Kyndal will be able to help me too. We had family home evening this morning before Blades left for work. We are really trying to teach the kids the true meaning of Christmas. I hope they know how important the Savior is to us. How special a time we get to celebrate His birth. I miss my baby tonight, and wish she were here to snuggle. Grandma's, Aunts and friends are hopefully snuggling us for her up in heaven. We hope you find this season a happy one. We have had some ornaments given to us by friends.. little white booties with a pink bow.. the letter "K" , an angel and a picture frame. We appreciate that others are thinking of Kyndal too at this time.
Merry Christmas! Blades and the boys at Kyndals grave..

Mom and the boys

the boys decorating the tree for Kyndal

the ornament the kids decorated.. there are stickers on the other side of it :)

Case placing the ornament on the tree at the cemetary.

Kyndal, Camden and Case

Our kids

A new friend

2009-12-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

We attended Kaden Fife's memorial services on Saturday. He was born at 24 weeks in June and survived for almost 6 months. How sweet it was to be there to hear Rusty and Jacquies testimonies and memories of their son.
His aunt Lari is a really good friend, and Kaden is her nephew. Lari too lost Olivia about 5 years ago. She was the first person I called when we found out about Kyndal. I knew she knew how I was feeling, and didnt want my mom to be there by herself. Im sure lots of emotions were brought back to her too.. attending two infant funerals in the last month and a half.
We went to the viewing Friday night, and it was difficult seeing him in that casket. It brought back lots of fresh feelings. I just touched his hands and straightened out his little outfit. Kyndal has a new friend in heaven along with Olivia too. I saw Lari hugging her mom during the service, and I missed my mom. How I wish she lived closer. I am grateful I have friends to rely on, cry to and do girly things together.
How happy I feel because of the gospel. I know Kyndal is being taken care of by a loving Heavenly Father. I bore my testimony at church yesterday and felt so strongly that I had to. So much has been given to us, service, prayers love.. that I would of felt bad if I didnt get up there and express that to others.
We set up our Christmas tree yesterday. It's great to see all of the decorations and the difference in the scenery for a while. We have Kyndal's stocking ready to be filled with acts of service that we or others do for eachother. If you want to add to her stocking .. type or email me a message and we will open and read those acts of service on Christmas Eve.
Camden is waking up every day asking if we are gonna serve someone today. Its cute and I am glad that he is thinking about it. We made Blades breakfast yesterday, and the kids helped. They thought it was so fun.. to suprise dad.. Case shared his fruit snacks with Camden. These are just a few of the things that we are adding to the stocking. We hope her stocking is overflowed with service moments.

A Thankful Heart

2009-12-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

Kyndal's artpiece from Rebecca Forbush
Kynal's grave. The grass is starting to grow.. we wanted a pretty plant for her. The kids left the dolly a month ago.

Dad and Mom at Kyndal's grave.

Thanksgiving was spent in Las Vegas with Grandpa Dill and family. After Kyndal passed away, we made plans to go to Vegas for the holiday. Before that, we did'nt have many plans since Kynal would of just been 6 weeks old. We wanted to be near family and friends. We had a great visit. Before we left town, we stopped by Kyndal's gravesite. The boys were so great this time. We even had family prayer there in the cemetary. Oh how we miss Kyndal and wish she would of been with us this Thanksgiving holiday. Our hearts are thankful for her sweet spirit that watches over us and we are reminded of her daily. We look forward to December and the joy that comes with celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. It will be hard to imagine not having her here for her first Christmas. We hope that we will be able to take some of that heartache and serve others... those who need help and in turn feel joy. We will purchase a stocking for Kyndal soon, and we are putting in it acts of service that we have done for the month.. those unseen and those seen.. We will open it Christmas morning and be able to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas... loving others and serving.

We always get a family ornament each year. This year will be special. Kyndal's life has changed ours. We have many things to look forward to including living a life that we will be able to be with Kyndal again.

Last night we hung up the profile art that my cousin Rebecca did for us. It was supposed to be a Christmas present for Blades, but I couldnt wait that long to show him. It's fun to see her little face in our living room.

We are attending a funeral of little Kaden Fife on Saturday. He was born at 24 weeks in June and passed away at almost 6 months old. I am sure it will be a difficult service to attend, but we hope that we can somehow show our support and empathize with his parents. His aunt Lari is one of my best friends, and too lost Olivia at 18 months old about 5 years ago. She was the first person I called to be with us at the hospital when we found out about Kyndal. Her family was so much help during the planning of Kyndal's funeral. They called around the funeral homes and made appointments for us, so we didnt have to. That was a huge blessing. The beautiful flowers on Kyndal's casket was from their family.

With this holiday season, we have a Thankful heart and hope to be able to express that to a loving Heavenly Father.

Saying Hello and Goodbye.. all at the same time

2009-11-15T17:54:00.000-08:00

So, I have to admit I was stalking another blog and was listening to this same song.. It was so perfect that I had to make this blog have music on it just so all of you could hear it too.. Blades and I both agree that whoever wrote this song had to have had the same situation as Kyndal.. a stillborn child...

Never would I have imagined ever being classified or put into this group of parents who have also lost children. A moment changed our lives, and I can't imagine not going through this. Ya, it'd be easier not to be dealt these cards.. but we are playing them anyway.. not that we have a choice really.. Well we do have a choice. We can choose to take this event and have it change us for the good or bad. We could ask all kinds of questions.. but we have never asked "why"??
We believe that Kyndal and Heavenly Father had this in their "cards".. It was supposed to be this way. If I would of gone any longer being pregnant, who knows what would of happened. ( maybe nothing) We do know that during surgery my uteran wall was so thin, the Dr. could see her hair through it. Maybe one more week it could of ruptured at home, killing both of us. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father and a baby Kyndal who saved my life so I can raise my little boys, and still be a wife to Blades. Yes I wish I had her in my arms, and could lather her up with baby lotion ( I love that smell.. I've been using it on my boys instead), but I can't imagine not recieving the blessings and experiences we have had since Kyndal's death. It has been life changing. It has given us a broader perspective on life after death. The big things matter now. Family, church, a relationship with Heavenly Father, temples, Priesthood, prayer. They were all important before.. now they are just way more important to us. Blades and I were able to attend the temple twice last week and when we helped with sealings ( when families are promised to be together forever by priesthood authority.... the sealer said these particular names of people had been waiting for over 600 years to be sealed.. I felt so strongly that Kyndal might of been there with them.. looking down on us and saying.. hey thats my mom and dad down there helping your family become eternal... I hope she even had a little party for them.. Her mom loves to throw parties.. so I hope she had some party for them.....silly i know..)
Yes, we still are normal and yell at our kids and I still watch Oprah and Grey's Anatomy.. but how quickly and often are we reminded of this little baby. I often look at her pictures. It gives me great joy to know we held, loved, kissed and adore her. The tears come and go. As I type this they are here.
Guilt often comes when we don't cry. Why don't we feel worse? The only thing we can come up with is knowing that she is happy and taken care of. Prayers from others, the Spirit.. are all helping so much.
When we are spending eternity with our family.. this will seem like a small page in our book compared to all the time we will be able to be together. That's what gets us through.
Friends and family have been amazing. I cannot begin to tell you how many friends came to the hospital and how wonderful it was for them to be able to hold her. We all felt the Spirit, peace and love for Kyndal. Everyone that visited and held her would rock her. I guess it is instinctive, but we would talk to her too. There was a bassinet in the room, and she didn't get set down at all. I needed help getting out of the shower and I asked my mom to come and help, cause Blades was out of the room, and she said she would but didnt want to set Kyndal down and leave her alone. I thought that was so sweet. Here she sits.. just her body.. and Grandma didnt want her to be left alone.
We have never felt so loved before. Both of us have wonderful friends, a wonderful ward and an amazing family. We could not get through this without all of you and I just want to say Thank You for all you have done for our family. I know you all were praying for us and that helped more than you can imagine. Everything for the services, planning preparing, flight schedules, traveling all were perfect with no problems. What a comfort and burden eased not having to worry about the little things.
I got to go to lunch with Crystal this week and we shared our thoughts and feelings about our sweet babies. She lost her baby Sage in March.. you can read her blog.. theres a link off of mine.. What a great friendship I am sure we will have. We have shared many sweet experiences with eachother. She visited me in the hospital and I asked her if she would put Kyndal's /my blessing dress in a shadow box for me. It turned out beautiful and I was glad she did that for me.
This post is random not any order to my thoughts, but wanted to post something. We are spending time in Las Vegas for Thanksgiving and look forward to seeing family and friends that we havent seen since a few weeks before Kyndal's delivery. I am sure it will be a whirlwind of emotions as we look through pictures, retell all the stories and hug those dearest to us.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.. we have much to be thankful for this year. We love your comments and check on them often. It's wonderful to hear what you think.. so don't be a stalker... leave a comment atleast.. ha ha

A Daddy's Love

2009-11-12T06:58:00.001-08:00

Kyndal Ann,

You were hoped for, wished for, and dreamed about. Concieved by two loving parents and the grace of God. You began to grow in your mother's tummy. From the beginning I always prayed for your health and that you would grow strong in your mothers womb. When your Mother and I found out you were a girl she began to cry. Those tears were a sweet moment to witness; it was the bonding love of a mother and her yet unborn daughter. Our love for you began long before that, but the excitement of knowing you were a girl was wonderful. Now we could plan for your arrival. Your mother had things for me to do to prepare your room, touchups and hang the "girly things" to name a few. You know pink stuff. As my list became smaller your arrival came closer, and the whole family's excitement grew. Even the boys kept talking about you, excited to play baseball with you. No doubt they would have turned you into a tomboy atleast they would have tried. Your Grandmother Dill arrived ready to assist where she could ( you have wonderful grandparents. We are blessed to have them all in our family.) The amnio was done but you weren't quite ready yet. " One more week" we were told. I was heart broken for a brief time. Your Mother cried. Mother and I wanted so much to hold you in our arms. What would it have been like to have looked into your eyes, to hear you cry, and to have felt the grasp of your little hands holding my fingers. I know there is a time and season for everything and I will get to do those things. As will we all. Your Grandmother Dill arrived at the hospital and cried and mourned with us. Your Grandmother and I comforted your mother while you were delivered. Kyndal, it's amazing how much closer our whole family has become since. What a quiet, somber, and sacred moment it was to see and hold you in my arms. I was so happy to see you had beautiful brown hair. It made your mom really happy as well. No cries did you make, nor sounds of any kind, but the Spirit was speaking to us and teaching us in our hearts. ( You are a chosen Spirit of God. You kept your first estate so well that there was no need for you to go through any test that this life would give you. The doctors treated your mother wonderfully and with the upmost respect. That in it self made all of us feel at east. We were able to dress you, hold you, bless you, caress, you, rock you and bond with you. The time we were able to spend with you was priceless. Even though your spirit had departed your body I still felt a spiritual connection with you. That I feel was a gift from our Heavenly Father. As your mother healed in the hospital we had family and friends come and go and everyone said how beautiful you are. We spent two days with you and it came time to release you. That was really hard for me even though I knew it wouldnt be the last time I would see you again. Your Mother came home and family came in for your service. We found the perfect little dress for you. You looked beautiful and angelic in it. I was thinking the other day that when the graves are opened your mother and I will get to hold you again and this time look into your eyes, hear your voice and hold your hand. What a glorious blessing and gift the ressurection will be. Death where is thy sting? Your service was perfect and your little grave is nicely tucked away so no one will likely disturb your slumber. I love to visit you there. This time has been hard but I know I will see you again. I just pray i can live worthy to be your Father in the eternities. Kyndal I miss you, love you and can't wait to hold you again. Kyndal our "quiet" one. The most quiet moments in our lives are when the Spirit teaches us the most, because the Spirit needs a quiet listener to teach. I pray I can listen to those quiet, tender promptings which will help guide me and our family to eternal life together. Kyndal, good night for now my beautiful daughter. Our goodbyes are only temporary. We mourn your passing and celebrate the gift of your eternal life with our Father in Heaven. Your mother and I and boys can't wait to be together with you again.. Together Forever as a family.

Kyndal, Daddy Loves You

A quick visit.. a sweet boy.. make that three sweet boys

2009-11-04T17:52:00.000-08:00

Blades and I had some errands to run, and picked up the photo CD with Kyndals pictures on them. We can't get our computer to open it, but can't wait to see them. They were done by a company called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are all volunteer professional photographers that came to the hospital to take pictures of Kyndal. The ones that are on here so far are from her. The first time she emailed me some pictures, we sat and cried. They are perfect.. She looks like an angel. We all were so happy at the way they turned out. We will be able to treasure those forever. If you feel wierd about looking at pictures of Kyndal.. sorry.. but it helps to see her. Those are the only pictures we have of her.. ones of her not living.. Believe me.. I would think it is wierd that people have pictures of thier dead babies on blogs too.. but now is a different story.
After picking up the CD, we were really close to the cemetary, so thought we would stop in to visit before picking up the boys from the babysitter. The grass is starting to grow and look more even over her. The little temporary marker is there with her name on it and date of death. About a week or so ago, we took the kids there. They werent so quiet and a little on the loud side, but they had picked out a dolly and a teddybear to leave at her graveside. As we went today, the teddybear had looked all wet from the sprinklers. I wanted it off of there. I fluffed it up, and held it for a minute. As we were looking at the other markers in the baby garden.. I noticed one close to Kyndals who's birthday was today. I mentioned to Blades.. hey its her birthday.. I went and put that pink teddy bear for that baby. Blades said.. Kyndal would of shared.. I felt good about thinking of another family who maybe didnt have time to get to her grave today.
As we had family prayer tonight.. Camden was kind of sad at the end and was crying. Blades asked him what was wrong? He said " I miss Kyndal a little bit". I could see Blades tear up as he hugged our son who is also missing his sister. Even Case when he sees my necklace that has Kyndals name on it.. knows thats baby.. How grateful I am to have these three sweet boys in my house.. although I was really looking forward to having some pink in this house of blue.. Kyndal is near us and I am happy tonight. She is just as much a part of our family even though she is in heaven and can't wear all this pink that is hanging in her closet and folded in her drawers. What comfort this brings even though there are still tears, and it still is very hard to realize she will not be part of our family on earth. I have already seen the change that has happened in our family. Our priorities and perspective are different. We are relying on eachother more and communicating about how we feel. I feel closer to Heavenly Father and need him to get through this too. Kyndal is with Him and is happy tonight too I am sure!!!

New blog on the block

2009-11-02T14:21:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking for a few days now about whether or not to do a blog for Kyndal, and here it is. I wanted to be able to write about my feelings and the everyday ups and downs. I had to come up with a clever title for the first post.... so heres the new blog on the block.

I am one of those people who like to peek on other peoples "sad" blogs, cry and then go on with my day.. I am now one of those "sad" blogs...

Today.. Blades and I cleaned up the house. The kids were even willing to help. ( an extra bonus)

I had 2 packs of diapers that I had taken out of the package a few weeks before Kyndal's approaching due date, and had them in my room in a brown leather basket.. ready for her little bum to fill them. They looked so small, and couldnt believe that she would be that little.

Today, I placed those diapers away, and I cried.

I knew this day would be hard to start putting Kyndal's baby things away..

The swing, bassinet, and car seat all were ready for her. I was worried when I came home from the hospital, that seeing those things in my room would be awful to see. It was the opposite. I loved seeing that car seat, a brand new custom ordered pink and brown just for her. The pink blanket that covered the bassinet, the flower covered boppy.. It will take time to put her clothes away, and I am in no rush..

Now in place of the basinet is the handmade fluffy pink, purple and brown rug that my mom made for Kyndal's room.

( For months, my mom and Aunt worked night after night on this beautiful rug. When my mom arrived a few days before Kyndals delivery it was the first thing she got out of her suitcase to show me. I loved it. We all put our feet on it because it was so soft.. All the material is fleece and they cut 2 inch squares, folded them into triangles, and made this beautiful rug..)

It now sits in our room and we will kneel around it for family prayer every night... a reminder of Kyndal. Camden makes sure that every prayer we remember to bless Kyndal. He is very sweet, and it makes us happy that he remembers her too.