dreaming

I dreamt about you last night. you were alive, but not... hard to explain. i held you.. you would wiggle, but not breathe. it was strange. you looked perfect. I couldnt understand why others didnt think this was normal and ok. we were visiting las vegas and i was in the relief society room of the ward that i grew up in. a few ladies held you too.
I havent dreamt about you in a while, so i woke up happy. I didnt want it to end.
I went to the temple the other day, and felt you near. that hasnt happened before.
your brothers pray for you daily. especially case. yesterday i heard case say to camden i miss kyndal dont you camden?
i am so glad they remember you and maybe you are in their dreams too.

Reminded

Every night when Case says the prayer before we go to bed, he prays for his sister Kyndal. It reminds me that she is not forgotten. He blesses her in heaven. It makes my mother heart happy.
A few weeks before Christmas, we were setting up the Christmas tree and getting out the ornaments given to us by many thoughtful friends for Kyndal. I set up a tree for the kids so they could put their own ornaments on the tree. As we pulled out the angel framed pictures of Kyndal, Camden began to be sad. He cried for two hours. sobbing, missing his sister. It broke our hearts. We comforted him, and let him look at her album of pictures of her. We told him it was ok to be sad.
We went about a week ago to her grave to put Valentine balloons and a stuffed owl. We enjoy going to see her there. It saddens us each time there is a new mound of fresh dirt, visible of another loss.
We love and miss you Kyndal. each of us

a perfect suprise

It was Fathers Day, and we had been at the baseball game. We stopped by your gravesite to visit. We got out of the car, and this is what we found.. Your headstone had been set.
We knew it was going to be soon, but figured the cemetary place would call us.. I think it was better this way.. to find it for ourselves.. It's like you sent it that day... What a great gift.. and even better on Father's Day.. We will never forget the day we found it.. I of course cried.. happy tears.. The boys were so excited.. It is perfect.. the flowers are perfect.. perfect.. just for you!

Your birthday is coming up in another month. You would of been 2. your brothers asked me the other day how old you are.. they remember you. I hope they will always remember you.

As the 2nd angelversary is near, it seems like yesterday that you were in our arms, but then again it seems like an eternity ago. We will be doing something special for your birthday. Grandma Dill will be in town also, so we will include her in your day.

I sure hope you are busy doing good above and busy helping others.. Sometimes it all feels like a dream.. I hope I can be the kind of mom who is listening to the Spirit enough to feel you close.

We are anxious for a baby.. can you send one our way? I am sure you are having fun with he/she now... we would love a little baby in our home. The smells, the late nights..

Love, your momma

What is to come

For Family Home Evening, I gave a quick lesson to the boys about Easter and the Resurrection.. ( when your body and your spirit will come back together, and you will live forever)
They already knew so much about it from Primary, but I was so happy to share the message with them. Kyndal, their sister will recieve this same gift, given to all who have lived or will live..
The message was much more powerful, and Camden said
" we are going to live with her forever? we will get to play with her? awesome!"
My little heart was full of joy. I was crying and Camden wondered if I was happy or sad. I whispered "happy"..

Sometimes I think lets just get the 2nd coming here, so we can be together forever :)

Easter is one of my favorite Holidays.. the colors, the newness..
We will be visiting your grave this week to place a few easter eggs. Soon you will have a headstone. We cant wait to see it.

I know Sunday will be an emotional day, with it being Easter. Although you will never have a new Easter dress, I feel closer to you during this time of year.

I saw Dr. Guzman today.. for my annual checkup. I had been waiting to see him til i got pregnant. well that hasnt happened yet, so I figured i had better see him. I asked him if he would check my hormones and see what we can do to get pregnant. I cried when i saw him. I have a special place for him in my heart. He was the first one to hold you.. he cried with us. He is an amazing dr. He asked about our family, and if the boys ask about their sister. He has twin boys who are adorable. I was so nervous on the way there, knowing I would get emotional when I saw him.

We hope a brother or sister will bless our family soon.

The BBQ we had in your honor was wonderful. We raised over 700 dollars.
agoodgrief.com will be able to help another family with a headstone.

The other day when I had a few minutes to think, I was thinking.. do you miss me?
I had never really thought about it that way. I hope that you have someone mothering you, and that you arent lonely. I couldnt help but be grateful for a Grandmother who influenced my life who is now there with you. She made the best taffy, and loved Coke :)
I hope you visit me and make memories with our family. I definitly have felt closer to you the last few weeks. Your brothers are getting so big. They talk about you often.

What is to come... I cant wait for!

For you...

Soon your little resting place will look different. A beautiful headstone is being worked on. We can't wait to see it in place.. for you...

Saturday we went to visit your gravesite. We met the Greer's, another family who has their baby Brigham buried near Kyndal.. Grandma White sent these flowers for you. We brought them home from our vacation last week.. from North Carolina.

Soon after Kyndal died, I came across a blog.. http://agoodgrief.com ..( their daughter Lucy passed away from a small piece of apple in her lungs). I read her blog about a year ago... I read lots of blogs about children dying.. angel mothers... etc.. Fast forward to January this year... I recieved an email from a good grief.. an update email about a short BYUtv clip that was done about their family.. and their foundation who helps families purchase headstones....I emailed Molly, Lucy's mom.. wondering what it takes to get sponsored.. and I recieved a sweet email from her less than 6 hours later informing us they would love to help us.. and for us to start looking at headstones. I couldnt believe my eyes. This stranger willing to help us honor Kyndal with a beautiful headstone. I told Blades right away, and we were so happy. I texted my friend Debra to let her know.. since we share cemetaries.. Her husband Landon is buried in the same cemetary as Kyndal. I knew she would get my excitement. We shared the news with our family, and each time felt grateful for this gift.

We started our search for the perfect headstone. We have picked one out.. Her name, October 8, 2009.. and "Child of God"... There are two big flowers for the corners on the bottom.. The draft just had one, but it looked like it needed one more to us... after another draft, we signed off on it.

Blades wanted to somehow give back to this foundation that is giving to us... He talked about fundraising... having a bbq... smoked pulled pork... North Carolina style with all the fixin's...

The date is set for April 9... at the park by our house.. We are excited for the event..

We will be having a bakesale too. If you live in our area.. we would love for you to attend.. You can email me with questions if you have any.. coridillio@hotmail.com..

Christmastime

We collected pinecones from Kyndal's cemetary a few weeks ago. This is what we made with them.. ornaments for Grandparents. We also made birdfeeders with pinecones too. it was fun having Kyndal be a part of it from the pinecones.. It made them more special..
We went to decorate the other day her grave. The kids enjoyed decorating the little metal tree we have for her.

a kiss

your hands felt so soft.. and perfect... just like the rest of your tiny body.

I look forward to the day I can kiss your pretty girly hands again.