Monday, February 15, 2010


Valentines Day was yesterday, and your dad got me some white roses and set them in a vase in the kitchen when he was home, and I was out with your brothers. It was one of the vases from the many beautiful flowers that were sent to us when you passed away. I walked by them and smelled them. I love the smell of flowers, especially roses, and it had a new smell and new memories when I smelled them this time. I thought of you. I told your dad I didnt think that I would ever smell flowers again and not think of you. When we were in the hospital, nurses and visitors would come in and they would all comment about how pretty the flowers were and commented on how pretty it smelled in our room.
I wore the pink gerber daisy yesterday to church on my dress. It makes me happy when I see it. I can still picture it overwhelming your little head, but every girl has to have a big flower on a headband.. or atleast you were going to.. :)
The kids noticed the flower on me too, and I told them it was Kyndals flower. A friend at church commented on the flower too, and I said it was yours.. She said she thought so... Dad said he tried to find gerber daisies instead of roses, but couldnt find any. He is so thoughtful.
Aunt Joan called today and wondered how I am doing. She wanted me to know that she was thinking of me, and wanted to tell me she loved me. It was a wonderful phone call. She has meant alot to me over the years. Her and Uncle Nick always set such an example to me when I was growing up. She wanted to tell me her heart breaks for us.. They too lost a daughter. Sydney was struck by lightning when she was a Junior in HS. My mom was pregnant with me, so it has been 32 years, but the feelings are still real. I love hearing stories about Sydney and how it brought their family close after the accident. I told Aunt Joan I feel so blessed. Priorities and life changes once you lose a child. The big things matter now like life after death, and we cant wait to see Kyndal again. It was nice break in the middle of my day to think about you. I love you baby!
Here is just one of the many arrangements that were sent.
Kyndal being held by her Grandmother Dill with the big flower

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

She looked like you mommy..

The other day we were talking about Kyndal and I asked Camden what he remembered about Kyndal.. What did she look like I asked... " She looked like you Mommy". It was the sweetest thing to hear. We have looked at pictures of me as an infant and she really did look alot like me. That makes me happy. She had dark hair and Im sure she had dark eyes.
In Primary, they were talking about the Resurection, and Camden leaned over to his teacher and mentioned something about Case, him and his sister Kyndal being resurrected.
( Thanks Debra for listening to the sweet moment and sharing it )
Yesterday marked 4 months since Kyndal's death. Time is funny. It seems like yesterday, but yet the time is going so fast.
We visited her grave, bought some flowers to leave out and a Valentine balloon.
For Family night, we watched the video we have of Kyndal in the hospital, Blades giving her a blessing, and the time the kids were able to see her at the funeral home. They kept rubbing and rubbing her head. It was so sweet. I cherish those videos we have. It is so much different than still pictures, although we love those too.
I will try to find the infant picture of me and post it soon.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Today I feel supported. It's quite the word. It means so many things. I have felt the support from family, friends, the Lord , ward members, and a new group that I met last night. I was worried about attending not knowing what to expect from a bereavement infant loss support group provided at the hospital. It's on the first Monday of the month, and I always seem to miss it when my mind would think about going. Well I made it last night, along with two great friends. Anabel and Vicky came with me. Blades had to work last night, so I knew I didnt want to go alone. I even called the hospital and asked what I should expect. I was nervous. Was I ready to share my story of Kyndal with strangers? I felt brave and walked in. We all introduced ourselves and could share whatever about our babies that we wanted to. There were others there that too had stillborn children, some genetic disorders, some miscarriages. All attending had some sort of loss. I was alot more emotional than I thought I would be. Just hearing other peoples stories helped me feel like I was not the only one feeling the way I was feeling. Some were angry with the hospital, dr's, and some were angry with God. It bugged me, but I had to realize I am blessed to have the gospel in my life. I know God would not do this to me, or Kyndal. It's amazing the peace that the gospel brings and that the word "angry" was not something I feel. We also talked about the things some people say to those who have lost someone. Most people don't know what to say.. and that's ok...
Don't "should" yourself, and don't let others " should" on you.. (If you say it outloud it sounds almost like a bad word.)
It was a great night. I came home and told Blades about it. We hope to make it together next month. We stopped at In and Out Burger on the way home.. YUM!
So Thanks for the support that you have given our family. I hope to be able to support others like they have supported us.
We even shared pictures of our babies with eachother. Of course everyone thought Kyndal was adorable :) They are right