Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A poem thats perfect

No treats, no tricks this year
to brighten up her smile
No searches for tiny costumes
down crowded clothing aisles

I did not get to choose
what my child would be this year
For you see, she's gone to heaven
and the future seems so unclear

But I imagine she has a tiny halo
floating right above her head
And I swear shes watching over us
and this is what she said.

"I may not get to join you
on this chilly Halloween night
But I'm a tiny angel now,
I'm never out of sight

You can see me in the changing leaves
that fall from above
And when the wind whistles by your ear
I'm whispering my love

I saw this on a friends facebook status who also lost a baby to a cord accident. I thought it was perfect!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

a teary day

1. A sunday school lesson where we were asked to share a scripture that has touched us lately. I shared 3 nephi 11.. when Christ comes to visit the people here and blesses the children one by one.. and that how the things that were felt and seen couldnt be written down.. because there were no words for it.. ( i'm paraphrasing here )
It was a chapter that Blades and I read in the hospital after Kyndal had died. It gave us comfort. What a blessing that we could turn to the scriptures and find peace during a difficult time..
While sharing this experience I couldnt help but bawl.. There I sit next to some great friends who have meant alot and helped us tremendously through this.. Bishop Bourgeous came up to me afterwards with tears in his eyes and expressed how much he appreciated sharing her story with the class. ( he was there and our first visitor at the hospital)
He said that there would be many more times when we would be able to share this with others.

2. An email from a cousin that included sweet words about Kyndal and our family. It is great to get unexpected notes from loved ones that mention our experience. I appreciate it. and love talking about Kyndal.

3. The word "year" is getting closer. I'm a bit worried about "the day".. but we are having a Kyndal celebration on the 8th at her gravesite. We wanted to do something, but not a party.. We will release balloons, and have cookies and punch.

I wrote in the kids' journals today. I try to do it atleast once a month. I will go now and look at her pictures and books. I will be more teary, but it feels good. At support group the counselor said grief tears are chemically different than any other tears. That has always stuck with me, and I remember crying is ok. It's tough when the kids come up to me and ask if I am happy or sad.. It makes me cry more..

We were driving by a bridge today and Camden said if it broke and we fell down there he would get a rope, climb up and rescue me, dad, case and Kyndal if she was here. It was sweet. I am so glad they remember their sister.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


11 months ago she was here.. for a short time.
I was able to touch her, and hold her perfect body.
It feels like so long ago, yet the memories are still sweet like it was yesterday.
The boys rubbed her head and arms at the funeral home when they met her for the first time.
It was sweet... a memory I will never replace. We went in as a family .. just blades and I.. and the kids..and Kyndal was all dressed in white.., not yet in her "basket" ( like Camden calls it)... they would of stayed there all evening just looking at her.

The reality of it all seems to be more real on days like the 8th. With 1 year approaching, although it's just another day I am worried how that day will be. It's not like I still wont miss her, but I fear that since its a big milestone things will change. I pray that she will always be close to all of us.. the kids will be able to remember meeting their sister.. who now watches and cheers for them from above.

Now that my shirt and neck are wet from tears, I'd better get Kyndal's brothers a snack. Next month is also the walk to remember. The support group that I go to holds it every year. I am hoping Grandma Dill can make her a square for the blankets that people walk with to remember thier baby's.

I went to a body image class that our ward had. Special speakers came and it talked all about how girls and women feel how their bodies should look like.. How the media portrays women. I felt close to Kyndal and I was thinking.. wow she will never have to worry about any of this... her body is perfect. They also talked about how womens bodies change as teenagers and on through womanhood for one reason only. To have babies.. a big part of Heavenly Fathers plan... I will always be grateful for the blessing of having Kyndal. Although she is not here with a body, she will always be ours. I held a baby that night who was tiny.. I've never really gotten emotional while holding someone elses baby since Kyndal died, I guess it was because I felt her so close that evening.. since the message was for mothers and daughters. The mother told me how much she has thought about me the last 6 weeks since her baby was born. Another friend, saying kind words.

The one thing I do think about it.. would she be chunky?? most likely yes!
What would her brothers be trying to feed/play with her..

I guess once we are all in heaven.. she can show me all of that stuff.. for now I hold onto the few but precious memories we had with Kyndal. Our lives will never be the same. We were changed that day last October.. for the good..