eleven

11 months ago she was here.. for a short time.
I was able to touch her, and hold her perfect body.
It feels like so long ago, yet the memories are still sweet like it was yesterday.
The boys rubbed her head and arms at the funeral home when they met her for the first time.
It was sweet... a memory I will never replace. We went in as a family .. just blades and I.. and the kids..and Kyndal was all dressed in white.., not yet in her "basket" ( like Camden calls it)... they would of stayed there all evening just looking at her.

The reality of it all seems to be more real on days like the 8th. With 1 year approaching, although it's just another day I am worried how that day will be. It's not like I still wont miss her, but I fear that since its a big milestone things will change. I pray that she will always be close to all of us.. the kids will be able to remember meeting their sister.. who now watches and cheers for them from above.

Now that my shirt and neck are wet from tears, I'd better get Kyndal's brothers a snack. Next month is also the walk to remember. The support group that I go to holds it every year. I am hoping Grandma Dill can make her a square for the blankets that people walk with to remember thier baby's.

I went to a body image class that our ward had. Special speakers came and it talked all about how girls and women feel how their bodies should look like.. How the media portrays women. I felt close to Kyndal and I was thinking.. wow she will never have to worry about any of this... her body is perfect. They also talked about how womens bodies change as teenagers and on through womanhood for one reason only. To have babies.. a big part of Heavenly Fathers plan... I will always be grateful for the blessing of having Kyndal. Although she is not here with a body, she will always be ours. I held a baby that night who was tiny.. I've never really gotten emotional while holding someone elses baby since Kyndal died, I guess it was because I felt her so close that evening.. since the message was for mothers and daughters. The mother told me how much she has thought about me the last 6 weeks since her baby was born. Another friend, saying kind words.

The one thing I do think about it.. would she be chunky?? most likely yes!
What would her brothers be trying to feed/play with her..

I guess once we are all in heaven.. she can show me all of that stuff.. for now I hold onto the few but precious memories we had with Kyndal. Our lives will never be the same. We were changed that day last October.. for the good..