Christmas

Christmas is a few days away and we went last week to Kyndal's grave to leave her a little tree. I've had this in my holiday decorations for a few year, and it ended up being perfect. It's supposed to be a Christmas card holder, but we added a few bows and a few ornaments that were on the kids' tree and had a fun time leaving it for Kyndal. The cemetary has a tree in their lobby and we were told that we could make an ornament and place it on their tree. The kids enjoyed making it for her. The boys are behaving better and better each time we go. We have family prayer while we are there. We always feel Kyndal close.
With Christmas only a few days away, I am finding myself getting more nervous about being happy on that day. I took the kids out tonight to get a few stocking stuffers, and look at Christmas lights and balled on the way home. Blades is working late tonight, and I feel like we havent spent much time together doing Christmasy things. I am trying to do all the traditions to make it fun for the kids, but Im just not feeling that into it. We are going to temple lights tomorrow and I hope to feel more into it then. In Sunday School on Sunday, there was a baby in front of us that had a huge flower and hairband in her hair. I couldnt help but think of Kyndal. In Young Women's we did a program for the girls. I helped sing one of the songs. Us leaders sat at the front, and during one of the speaking parts, a friend reached over and touched the bracelets that are pink that are Kyndals. Kyndal is wearing the same ones. I have two of them. It made the tears flow and wouldnt stop. The girls probably think I am nuts, crying like that, but I hope that I will be able to serve these girls and somehow help them in their lives. Maybe Kyndal will be able to help me too. We had family home evening this morning before Blades left for work. We are really trying to teach the kids the true meaning of Christmas. I hope they know how important the Savior is to us. How special a time we get to celebrate His birth. I miss my baby tonight, and wish she were here to snuggle. Grandma's, Aunts and friends are hopefully snuggling us for her up in heaven. We hope you find this season a happy one. We have had some ornaments given to us by friends.. little white booties with a pink bow.. the letter "K" , an angel and a picture frame. We appreciate that others are thinking of Kyndal too at this time.
Merry Christmas! Blades and the boys at Kyndals grave..

Mom and the boys

the boys decorating the tree for Kyndal

the ornament the kids decorated.. there are stickers on the other side of it :)

Case placing the ornament on the tree at the cemetary.

Kyndal, Camden and Case

Our kids

A new friend

We attended Kaden Fife's memorial services on Saturday. He was born at 24 weeks in June and survived for almost 6 months. How sweet it was to be there to hear Rusty and Jacquies testimonies and memories of their son.
His aunt Lari is a really good friend, and Kaden is her nephew. Lari too lost Olivia about 5 years ago. She was the first person I called when we found out about Kyndal. I knew she knew how I was feeling, and didnt want my mom to be there by herself. Im sure lots of emotions were brought back to her too.. attending two infant funerals in the last month and a half.
We went to the viewing Friday night, and it was difficult seeing him in that casket. It brought back lots of fresh feelings. I just touched his hands and straightened out his little outfit. Kyndal has a new friend in heaven along with Olivia too. I saw Lari hugging her mom during the service, and I missed my mom. How I wish she lived closer. I am grateful I have friends to rely on, cry to and do girly things together.
How happy I feel because of the gospel. I know Kyndal is being taken care of by a loving Heavenly Father. I bore my testimony at church yesterday and felt so strongly that I had to. So much has been given to us, service, prayers love.. that I would of felt bad if I didnt get up there and express that to others.
We set up our Christmas tree yesterday. It's great to see all of the decorations and the difference in the scenery for a while. We have Kyndal's stocking ready to be filled with acts of service that we or others do for eachother. If you want to add to her stocking .. type or email me a message and we will open and read those acts of service on Christmas Eve.
Camden is waking up every day asking if we are gonna serve someone today. Its cute and I am glad that he is thinking about it. We made Blades breakfast yesterday, and the kids helped. They thought it was so fun.. to suprise dad.. Case shared his fruit snacks with Camden. These are just a few of the things that we are adding to the stocking. We hope her stocking is overflowed with service moments.

A Thankful Heart

Kyndal's artpiece from Rebecca Forbush
Kynal's grave. The grass is starting to grow.. we wanted a pretty plant for her. The kids left the dolly a month ago.

Dad and Mom at Kyndal's grave.

Thanksgiving was spent in Las Vegas with Grandpa Dill and family. After Kyndal passed away, we made plans to go to Vegas for the holiday. Before that, we did'nt have many plans since Kynal would of just been 6 weeks old. We wanted to be near family and friends. We had a great visit. Before we left town, we stopped by Kyndal's gravesite. The boys were so great this time. We even had family prayer there in the cemetary. Oh how we miss Kyndal and wish she would of been with us this Thanksgiving holiday. Our hearts are thankful for her sweet spirit that watches over us and we are reminded of her daily. We look forward to December and the joy that comes with celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. It will be hard to imagine not having her here for her first Christmas. We hope that we will be able to take some of that heartache and serve others... those who need help and in turn feel joy. We will purchase a stocking for Kyndal soon, and we are putting in it acts of service that we have done for the month.. those unseen and those seen.. We will open it Christmas morning and be able to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas... loving others and serving.

We always get a family ornament each year. This year will be special. Kyndal's life has changed ours. We have many things to look forward to including living a life that we will be able to be with Kyndal again.

Last night we hung up the profile art that my cousin Rebecca did for us. It was supposed to be a Christmas present for Blades, but I couldnt wait that long to show him. It's fun to see her little face in our living room.

We are attending a funeral of little Kaden Fife on Saturday. He was born at 24 weeks in June and passed away at almost 6 months old. I am sure it will be a difficult service to attend, but we hope that we can somehow show our support and empathize with his parents. His aunt Lari is one of my best friends, and too lost Olivia at 18 months old about 5 years ago. She was the first person I called to be with us at the hospital when we found out about Kyndal. Her family was so much help during the planning of Kyndal's funeral. They called around the funeral homes and made appointments for us, so we didnt have to. That was a huge blessing. The beautiful flowers on Kyndal's casket was from their family.

With this holiday season, we have a Thankful heart and hope to be able to express that to a loving Heavenly Father.

Saying Hello and Goodbye.. all at the same time

So, I have to admit I was stalking another blog and was listening to this same song.. It was so perfect that I had to make this blog have music on it just so all of you could hear it too.. Blades and I both agree that whoever wrote this song had to have had the same situation as Kyndal.. a stillborn child...

Never would I have imagined ever being classified or put into this group of parents who have also lost children. A moment changed our lives, and I can't imagine not going through this. Ya, it'd be easier not to be dealt these cards.. but we are playing them anyway.. not that we have a choice really.. Well we do have a choice. We can choose to take this event and have it change us for the good or bad. We could ask all kinds of questions.. but we have never asked "why"??
We believe that Kyndal and Heavenly Father had this in their "cards".. It was supposed to be this way. If I would of gone any longer being pregnant, who knows what would of happened. ( maybe nothing) We do know that during surgery my uteran wall was so thin, the Dr. could see her hair through it. Maybe one more week it could of ruptured at home, killing both of us. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father and a baby Kyndal who saved my life so I can raise my little boys, and still be a wife to Blades. Yes I wish I had her in my arms, and could lather her up with baby lotion ( I love that smell.. I've been using it on my boys instead), but I can't imagine not recieving the blessings and experiences we have had since Kyndal's death. It has been life changing. It has given us a broader perspective on life after death. The big things matter now. Family, church, a relationship with Heavenly Father, temples, Priesthood, prayer. They were all important before.. now they are just way more important to us. Blades and I were able to attend the temple twice last week and when we helped with sealings ( when families are promised to be together forever by priesthood authority.... the sealer said these particular names of people had been waiting for over 600 years to be sealed.. I felt so strongly that Kyndal might of been there with them.. looking down on us and saying.. hey thats my mom and dad down there helping your family become eternal... I hope she even had a little party for them.. Her mom loves to throw parties.. so I hope she had some party for them.....silly i know..)
Yes, we still are normal and yell at our kids and I still watch Oprah and Grey's Anatomy.. but how quickly and often are we reminded of this little baby. I often look at her pictures. It gives me great joy to know we held, loved, kissed and adore her. The tears come and go. As I type this they are here.
Guilt often comes when we don't cry. Why don't we feel worse? The only thing we can come up with is knowing that she is happy and taken care of. Prayers from others, the Spirit.. are all helping so much.
When we are spending eternity with our family.. this will seem like a small page in our book compared to all the time we will be able to be together. That's what gets us through.
Friends and family have been amazing. I cannot begin to tell you how many friends came to the hospital and how wonderful it was for them to be able to hold her. We all felt the Spirit, peace and love for Kyndal. Everyone that visited and held her would rock her. I guess it is instinctive, but we would talk to her too. There was a bassinet in the room, and she didn't get set down at all. I needed help getting out of the shower and I asked my mom to come and help, cause Blades was out of the room, and she said she would but didnt want to set Kyndal down and leave her alone. I thought that was so sweet. Here she sits.. just her body.. and Grandma didnt want her to be left alone.
We have never felt so loved before. Both of us have wonderful friends, a wonderful ward and an amazing family. We could not get through this without all of you and I just want to say Thank You for all you have done for our family. I know you all were praying for us and that helped more than you can imagine. Everything for the services, planning preparing, flight schedules, traveling all were perfect with no problems. What a comfort and burden eased not having to worry about the little things.
I got to go to lunch with Crystal this week and we shared our thoughts and feelings about our sweet babies. She lost her baby Sage in March.. you can read her blog.. theres a link off of mine.. What a great friendship I am sure we will have. We have shared many sweet experiences with eachother. She visited me in the hospital and I asked her if she would put Kyndal's /my blessing dress in a shadow box for me. It turned out beautiful and I was glad she did that for me.
This post is random not any order to my thoughts, but wanted to post something. We are spending time in Las Vegas for Thanksgiving and look forward to seeing family and friends that we havent seen since a few weeks before Kyndal's delivery. I am sure it will be a whirlwind of emotions as we look through pictures, retell all the stories and hug those dearest to us.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.. we have much to be thankful for this year. We love your comments and check on them often. It's wonderful to hear what you think.. so don't be a stalker... leave a comment atleast.. ha ha

A Daddy's Love

Kyndal Ann,

You were hoped for, wished for, and dreamed about. Concieved by two loving parents and the grace of God. You began to grow in your mother's tummy. From the beginning I always prayed for your health and that you would grow strong in your mothers womb. When your Mother and I found out you were a girl she began to cry. Those tears were a sweet moment to witness; it was the bonding love of a mother and her yet unborn daughter. Our love for you began long before that, but the excitement of knowing you were a girl was wonderful. Now we could plan for your arrival. Your mother had things for me to do to prepare your room, touchups and hang the "girly things" to name a few. You know pink stuff. As my list became smaller your arrival came closer, and the whole family's excitement grew. Even the boys kept talking about you, excited to play baseball with you. No doubt they would have turned you into a tomboy atleast they would have tried. Your Grandmother Dill arrived ready to assist where she could ( you have wonderful grandparents. We are blessed to have them all in our family.) The amnio was done but you weren't quite ready yet. " One more week" we were told. I was heart broken for a brief time. Your Mother cried. Mother and I wanted so much to hold you in our arms. What would it have been like to have looked into your eyes, to hear you cry, and to have felt the grasp of your little hands holding my fingers. I know there is a time and season for everything and I will get to do those things. As will we all. Your Grandmother Dill arrived at the hospital and cried and mourned with us. Your Grandmother and I comforted your mother while you were delivered. Kyndal, it's amazing how much closer our whole family has become since. What a quiet, somber, and sacred moment it was to see and hold you in my arms. I was so happy to see you had beautiful brown hair. It made your mom really happy as well. No cries did you make, nor sounds of any kind, but the Spirit was speaking to us and teaching us in our hearts. ( You are a chosen Spirit of God. You kept your first estate so well that there was no need for you to go through any test that this life would give you. The doctors treated your mother wonderfully and with the upmost respect. That in it self made all of us feel at east. We were able to dress you, hold you, bless you, caress, you, rock you and bond with you. The time we were able to spend with you was priceless. Even though your spirit had departed your body I still felt a spiritual connection with you. That I feel was a gift from our Heavenly Father. As your mother healed in the hospital we had family and friends come and go and everyone said how beautiful you are. We spent two days with you and it came time to release you. That was really hard for me even though I knew it wouldnt be the last time I would see you again. Your Mother came home and family came in for your service. We found the perfect little dress for you. You looked beautiful and angelic in it. I was thinking the other day that when the graves are opened your mother and I will get to hold you again and this time look into your eyes, hear your voice and hold your hand. What a glorious blessing and gift the ressurection will be. Death where is thy sting? Your service was perfect and your little grave is nicely tucked away so no one will likely disturb your slumber. I love to visit you there. This time has been hard but I know I will see you again. I just pray i can live worthy to be your Father in the eternities. Kyndal I miss you, love you and can't wait to hold you again. Kyndal our "quiet" one. The most quiet moments in our lives are when the Spirit teaches us the most, because the Spirit needs a quiet listener to teach. I pray I can listen to those quiet, tender promptings which will help guide me and our family to eternal life together. Kyndal, good night for now my beautiful daughter. Our goodbyes are only temporary. We mourn your passing and celebrate the gift of your eternal life with our Father in Heaven. Your mother and I and boys can't wait to be together with you again.. Together Forever as a family.

Kyndal, Daddy Loves You

A quick visit.. a sweet boy.. make that three sweet boys

Blades and I had some errands to run, and picked up the photo CD with Kyndals pictures on them. We can't get our computer to open it, but can't wait to see them. They were done by a company called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are all volunteer professional photographers that came to the hospital to take pictures of Kyndal. The ones that are on here so far are from her. The first time she emailed me some pictures, we sat and cried. They are perfect.. She looks like an angel. We all were so happy at the way they turned out. We will be able to treasure those forever. If you feel wierd about looking at pictures of Kyndal.. sorry.. but it helps to see her. Those are the only pictures we have of her.. ones of her not living.. Believe me.. I would think it is wierd that people have pictures of thier dead babies on blogs too.. but now is a different story.
After picking up the CD, we were really close to the cemetary, so thought we would stop in to visit before picking up the boys from the babysitter. The grass is starting to grow and look more even over her. The little temporary marker is there with her name on it and date of death. About a week or so ago, we took the kids there. They werent so quiet and a little on the loud side, but they had picked out a dolly and a teddybear to leave at her graveside. As we went today, the teddybear had looked all wet from the sprinklers. I wanted it off of there. I fluffed it up, and held it for a minute. As we were looking at the other markers in the baby garden.. I noticed one close to Kyndals who's birthday was today. I mentioned to Blades.. hey its her birthday.. I went and put that pink teddy bear for that baby. Blades said.. Kyndal would of shared.. I felt good about thinking of another family who maybe didnt have time to get to her grave today.
As we had family prayer tonight.. Camden was kind of sad at the end and was crying. Blades asked him what was wrong? He said " I miss Kyndal a little bit". I could see Blades tear up as he hugged our son who is also missing his sister. Even Case when he sees my necklace that has Kyndals name on it.. knows thats baby.. How grateful I am to have these three sweet boys in my house.. although I was really looking forward to having some pink in this house of blue.. Kyndal is near us and I am happy tonight. She is just as much a part of our family even though she is in heaven and can't wear all this pink that is hanging in her closet and folded in her drawers. What comfort this brings even though there are still tears, and it still is very hard to realize she will not be part of our family on earth. I have already seen the change that has happened in our family. Our priorities and perspective are different. We are relying on eachother more and communicating about how we feel. I feel closer to Heavenly Father and need him to get through this too. Kyndal is with Him and is happy tonight too I am sure!!!

New blog on the block

I have been thinking for a few days now about whether or not to do a blog for Kyndal, and here it is. I wanted to be able to write about my feelings and the everyday ups and downs. I had to come up with a clever title for the first post.... so heres the new blog on the block.

I am one of those people who like to peek on other peoples "sad" blogs, cry and then go on with my day.. I am now one of those "sad" blogs...

Today.. Blades and I cleaned up the house. The kids were even willing to help. ( an extra bonus)

I had 2 packs of diapers that I had taken out of the package a few weeks before Kyndal's approaching due date, and had them in my room in a brown leather basket.. ready for her little bum to fill them. They looked so small, and couldnt believe that she would be that little.

Today, I placed those diapers away, and I cried.

I knew this day would be hard to start putting Kyndal's baby things away..

The swing, bassinet, and car seat all were ready for her. I was worried when I came home from the hospital, that seeing those things in my room would be awful to see. It was the opposite. I loved seeing that car seat, a brand new custom ordered pink and brown just for her. The pink blanket that covered the bassinet, the flower covered boppy.. It will take time to put her clothes away, and I am in no rush..

Now in place of the basinet is the handmade fluffy pink, purple and brown rug that my mom made for Kyndal's room.

( For months, my mom and Aunt worked night after night on this beautiful rug. When my mom arrived a few days before Kyndals delivery it was the first thing she got out of her suitcase to show me. I loved it. We all put our feet on it because it was so soft.. All the material is fleece and they cut 2 inch squares, folded them into triangles, and made this beautiful rug..)

It now sits in our room and we will kneel around it for family prayer every night... a reminder of Kyndal. Camden makes sure that every prayer we remember to bless Kyndal. He is very sweet, and it makes us happy that he remembers her too.