dreaming

I dreamt about you last night. you were alive, but not... hard to explain. i held you.. you would wiggle, but not breathe. it was strange. you looked perfect. I couldnt understand why others didnt think this was normal and ok. we were visiting las vegas and i was in the relief society room of the ward that i grew up in. a few ladies held you too.
I havent dreamt about you in a while, so i woke up happy. I didnt want it to end.
I went to the temple the other day, and felt you near. that hasnt happened before.
your brothers pray for you daily. especially case. yesterday i heard case say to camden i miss kyndal dont you camden?
i am so glad they remember you and maybe you are in their dreams too.

Reminded

Every night when Case says the prayer before we go to bed, he prays for his sister Kyndal. It reminds me that she is not forgotten. He blesses her in heaven. It makes my mother heart happy.
A few weeks before Christmas, we were setting up the Christmas tree and getting out the ornaments given to us by many thoughtful friends for Kyndal. I set up a tree for the kids so they could put their own ornaments on the tree. As we pulled out the angel framed pictures of Kyndal, Camden began to be sad. He cried for two hours. sobbing, missing his sister. It broke our hearts. We comforted him, and let him look at her album of pictures of her. We told him it was ok to be sad.
We went about a week ago to her grave to put Valentine balloons and a stuffed owl. We enjoy going to see her there. It saddens us each time there is a new mound of fresh dirt, visible of another loss.
We love and miss you Kyndal. each of us

a perfect suprise

It was Fathers Day, and we had been at the baseball game. We stopped by your gravesite to visit. We got out of the car, and this is what we found.. Your headstone had been set.
We knew it was going to be soon, but figured the cemetary place would call us.. I think it was better this way.. to find it for ourselves.. It's like you sent it that day... What a great gift.. and even better on Father's Day.. We will never forget the day we found it.. I of course cried.. happy tears.. The boys were so excited.. It is perfect.. the flowers are perfect.. perfect.. just for you!

Your birthday is coming up in another month. You would of been 2. your brothers asked me the other day how old you are.. they remember you. I hope they will always remember you.

As the 2nd angelversary is near, it seems like yesterday that you were in our arms, but then again it seems like an eternity ago. We will be doing something special for your birthday. Grandma Dill will be in town also, so we will include her in your day.

I sure hope you are busy doing good above and busy helping others.. Sometimes it all feels like a dream.. I hope I can be the kind of mom who is listening to the Spirit enough to feel you close.

We are anxious for a baby.. can you send one our way? I am sure you are having fun with he/she now... we would love a little baby in our home. The smells, the late nights..

Love, your momma

What is to come

For Family Home Evening, I gave a quick lesson to the boys about Easter and the Resurrection.. ( when your body and your spirit will come back together, and you will live forever)
They already knew so much about it from Primary, but I was so happy to share the message with them. Kyndal, their sister will recieve this same gift, given to all who have lived or will live..
The message was much more powerful, and Camden said
" we are going to live with her forever? we will get to play with her? awesome!"
My little heart was full of joy. I was crying and Camden wondered if I was happy or sad. I whispered "happy"..

Sometimes I think lets just get the 2nd coming here, so we can be together forever :)

Easter is one of my favorite Holidays.. the colors, the newness..
We will be visiting your grave this week to place a few easter eggs. Soon you will have a headstone. We cant wait to see it.

I know Sunday will be an emotional day, with it being Easter. Although you will never have a new Easter dress, I feel closer to you during this time of year.

I saw Dr. Guzman today.. for my annual checkup. I had been waiting to see him til i got pregnant. well that hasnt happened yet, so I figured i had better see him. I asked him if he would check my hormones and see what we can do to get pregnant. I cried when i saw him. I have a special place for him in my heart. He was the first one to hold you.. he cried with us. He is an amazing dr. He asked about our family, and if the boys ask about their sister. He has twin boys who are adorable. I was so nervous on the way there, knowing I would get emotional when I saw him.

We hope a brother or sister will bless our family soon.

The BBQ we had in your honor was wonderful. We raised over 700 dollars.
agoodgrief.com will be able to help another family with a headstone.

The other day when I had a few minutes to think, I was thinking.. do you miss me?
I had never really thought about it that way. I hope that you have someone mothering you, and that you arent lonely. I couldnt help but be grateful for a Grandmother who influenced my life who is now there with you. She made the best taffy, and loved Coke :)
I hope you visit me and make memories with our family. I definitly have felt closer to you the last few weeks. Your brothers are getting so big. They talk about you often.

What is to come... I cant wait for!

For you...

Soon your little resting place will look different. A beautiful headstone is being worked on. We can't wait to see it in place.. for you...

Saturday we went to visit your gravesite. We met the Greer's, another family who has their baby Brigham buried near Kyndal.. Grandma White sent these flowers for you. We brought them home from our vacation last week.. from North Carolina.

Soon after Kyndal died, I came across a blog.. http://agoodgrief.com ..( their daughter Lucy passed away from a small piece of apple in her lungs). I read her blog about a year ago... I read lots of blogs about children dying.. angel mothers... etc.. Fast forward to January this year... I recieved an email from a good grief.. an update email about a short BYUtv clip that was done about their family.. and their foundation who helps families purchase headstones....I emailed Molly, Lucy's mom.. wondering what it takes to get sponsored.. and I recieved a sweet email from her less than 6 hours later informing us they would love to help us.. and for us to start looking at headstones. I couldnt believe my eyes. This stranger willing to help us honor Kyndal with a beautiful headstone. I told Blades right away, and we were so happy. I texted my friend Debra to let her know.. since we share cemetaries.. Her husband Landon is buried in the same cemetary as Kyndal. I knew she would get my excitement. We shared the news with our family, and each time felt grateful for this gift.

We started our search for the perfect headstone. We have picked one out.. Her name, October 8, 2009.. and "Child of God"... There are two big flowers for the corners on the bottom.. The draft just had one, but it looked like it needed one more to us... after another draft, we signed off on it.

Blades wanted to somehow give back to this foundation that is giving to us... He talked about fundraising... having a bbq... smoked pulled pork... North Carolina style with all the fixin's...

The date is set for April 9... at the park by our house.. We are excited for the event..

We will be having a bakesale too. If you live in our area.. we would love for you to attend.. You can email me with questions if you have any.. coridillio@hotmail.com..

Christmastime

We collected pinecones from Kyndal's cemetary a few weeks ago. This is what we made with them.. ornaments for Grandparents. We also made birdfeeders with pinecones too. it was fun having Kyndal be a part of it from the pinecones.. It made them more special..
We went to decorate the other day her grave. The kids enjoyed decorating the little metal tree we have for her.

a kiss

your hands felt so soft.. and perfect... just like the rest of your tiny body.

I look forward to the day I can kiss your pretty girly hands again.

Walking to remember

We walked with balloons for her..

I made these necklaces with her on them. so everyone could see how cute she is.

The boys wore their " im a big brother" shirts

I couldnt believe how many people were there.. all going through the same thing

a wonderful event to honor children that have died.

we will be adding this to our yearly calendars.

Group was last night... there were 2 new people. they are just starting their grief journey. A journey it is... but how far I have come in 1 year. Time helps.. and heals. It is still hard, but time makes it easier...

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

Happy Birthday Kyndal

We celebrated the day with friends at your grave. We had pink cookies, pink balloons and released them for you to catch.

The day was easier than I thought it would be. There were tears, but got through it with the help of friends, family and prayers... Those help the most I know they do. I appreciate all those that remembered you on your special day.

Our house is full of beautiful flowers that friends and family have sent. They have brightened our house and spirits.

We miss and love you Kyndal Ann.. we are that much closer to being with you again!
The best advice I heard was " be her mom today". I tried to remember that all day..

friends and flowers

What wonderful friends we have. I recieved both of these sets of flowers today. Each time I recieved them, I cried. My friends are so thoughtful. Some things I've learned about flowers...

I always associate them with funerals now..

The smell reminds me of my hospital room

Our house was bursting with flowers when we came home last year.

We have alot of vases now.

They brighten my day!

I made it through

Last night was support group.. I knew it would be hard with the anniversary coming on Friday. I made it through. It was a great group. Layne came with me. Blades stayed home with the boys. It will be a tough week, but we can do it with the help of the Lord. Thanks to all of you for thinking about us this week. It means alot!

A poem thats perfect

No treats, no tricks this year
to brighten up her smile
No searches for tiny costumes
down crowded clothing aisles

I did not get to choose
what my child would be this year
For you see, she's gone to heaven
and the future seems so unclear

But I imagine she has a tiny halo
floating right above her head
And I swear shes watching over us
and this is what she said.

"I may not get to join you
on this chilly Halloween night
But I'm a tiny angel now,
I'm never out of sight

You can see me in the changing leaves
that fall from above
And when the wind whistles by your ear
I'm whispering my love


I saw this on a friends facebook status who also lost a baby to a cord accident. I thought it was perfect!

a teary day

1. A sunday school lesson where we were asked to share a scripture that has touched us lately. I shared 3 nephi 11.. when Christ comes to visit the people here and blesses the children one by one.. and that how the things that were felt and seen couldnt be written down.. because there were no words for it.. ( i'm paraphrasing here )
It was a chapter that Blades and I read in the hospital after Kyndal had died. It gave us comfort. What a blessing that we could turn to the scriptures and find peace during a difficult time..
While sharing this experience I couldnt help but bawl.. There I sit next to some great friends who have meant alot and helped us tremendously through this.. Bishop Bourgeous came up to me afterwards with tears in his eyes and expressed how much he appreciated sharing her story with the class. ( he was there and our first visitor at the hospital)
He said that there would be many more times when we would be able to share this with others.

2. An email from a cousin that included sweet words about Kyndal and our family. It is great to get unexpected notes from loved ones that mention our experience. I appreciate it. and love talking about Kyndal.

3. The word "year" is getting closer. I'm a bit worried about "the day".. but we are having a Kyndal celebration on the 8th at her gravesite. We wanted to do something, but not a party.. We will release balloons, and have cookies and punch.

I wrote in the kids' journals today. I try to do it atleast once a month. I will go now and look at her pictures and books. I will be more teary, but it feels good. At support group the counselor said grief tears are chemically different than any other tears. That has always stuck with me, and I remember crying is ok. It's tough when the kids come up to me and ask if I am happy or sad.. It makes me cry more..

We were driving by a bridge today and Camden said if it broke and we fell down there he would get a rope, climb up and rescue me, dad, case and Kyndal if she was here. It was sweet. I am so glad they remember their sister.

eleven

11 months ago she was here.. for a short time.
I was able to touch her, and hold her perfect body.
It feels like so long ago, yet the memories are still sweet like it was yesterday.
The boys rubbed her head and arms at the funeral home when they met her for the first time.
It was sweet... a memory I will never replace. We went in as a family .. just blades and I.. and the kids..and Kyndal was all dressed in white.., not yet in her "basket" ( like Camden calls it)... they would of stayed there all evening just looking at her.

The reality of it all seems to be more real on days like the 8th. With 1 year approaching, although it's just another day I am worried how that day will be. It's not like I still wont miss her, but I fear that since its a big milestone things will change. I pray that she will always be close to all of us.. the kids will be able to remember meeting their sister.. who now watches and cheers for them from above.

Now that my shirt and neck are wet from tears, I'd better get Kyndal's brothers a snack. Next month is also the walk to remember. The support group that I go to holds it every year. I am hoping Grandma Dill can make her a square for the blankets that people walk with to remember thier baby's.

I went to a body image class that our ward had. Special speakers came and it talked all about how girls and women feel how their bodies should look like.. How the media portrays women. I felt close to Kyndal and I was thinking.. wow she will never have to worry about any of this... her body is perfect. They also talked about how womens bodies change as teenagers and on through womanhood for one reason only. To have babies.. a big part of Heavenly Fathers plan... I will always be grateful for the blessing of having Kyndal. Although she is not here with a body, she will always be ours. I held a baby that night who was tiny.. I've never really gotten emotional while holding someone elses baby since Kyndal died, I guess it was because I felt her so close that evening.. since the message was for mothers and daughters. The mother told me how much she has thought about me the last 6 weeks since her baby was born. Another friend, saying kind words.

The one thing I do think about it.. would she be chunky?? most likely yes!
What would her brothers be trying to feed/play with her..

I guess once we are all in heaven.. she can show me all of that stuff.. for now I hold onto the few but precious memories we had with Kyndal. Our lives will never be the same. We were changed that day last October.. for the good..

A thoughtful friend and lots of baby girls

Kyndal's big flower in her hair.

This is a picture of me at my babyshower for Kyndal. Almost a year ago.. I wore this pink flower in my hair since my shirt was brown I figured I needed to sport some pink for her arrival. A good friend had given me this flower the day we found out that Kyndal was a girl. Rian and Chloe brought over pink cupcakes, and this hairflower. It was packed in the bag for Kyndal at the hospital and she wore it for many of her pictures that we took of her. The gerber daisy is important to our family now. I think of Kyndal when I see one. The flower overpowered her little head, but it sure was cute. I still wear the flower quite often.. Holiday's mostly..

so she is in our pictures :)

I also wore it at her funeral. In her vase of flowers at her gravesite there is a big gerber daisy too!

Crystal is a great friend who actually put Kyndal's blessing dress in a shadow box for me and has been a great support through Kyndal's death. She came to the hospital more than once.. offered her hugs and thoughts. She lost Sage in March 09 to SIDS. We visited a few times after his death, and she is an amazing friend. We love to get together and talk about our babies that are now in heaven. She had Ellie a few days ago, and I got to meet her last night. She is adorable and it's so fun to see how happy their whole family is with this new gift right from heaven.

The night of her delivery, it was stormy and I couldnt help but think of Sage throwing a fit up there having to let his sister come to earth...

Her mom posted this on her blog and wanted to copy it to mine..

( her mom took all of the pictures at Kyndal's funeral, viewing and burial..)

( from Liz's blog)

This picture we took in memory of Kyndal Ann White, daughter of Crystal's dear friend Cori White. Kyndal was born still October 8, 2009. Cori wore a pink flower at her shower and then wore that same flower at her daughters funeral. The pink flower is in memory of Kyndal. We like to think of Sage and Kyndal together with Ellie before she was born. Telling her about all her wonderful family and this amazing place we call " earth". In Memory of Kyndal.

I bawled as I read this on her blog. It was wonderful to see someone remember Kyndal other than us. This family is so thoughtful and I am happy they have a rainbow baby.
Thanks Crystal and Liz!

Monday, my dad's girlfriends daughter JoAnn had a baby Jenni..
( a little early so she is still growing but will be home soon)

Joe and Diane had a baby girl on Wed morning at home.. and I am so glad everything went well.

Crystal and Spencer had Ellie on Tue night..

Lots of baby girls

Thinking of her

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner and one of them asked " Who is Kyndal?" He had seen the sign that we have in our living room.. Camden got to tell him all about her.. and that she is in heaven waiting for us. I love talking about her, but it was fun to see Camden so willing and happy to tell them about his sister.

Support group is the first Monday of the month.. and yesterday ( tuesday) I remembered.. A day late.. oops.. I was bugged at myself. I always enjoy going.. so next month I will put it on my calendar forsure.

We are coming upon 10 months. It seems like yesterday.. but a long time ago too. Can't wait for eternity.. Time will be better there.. plus she will be with us FOREVER!

The dr. told us to wait 9 months ( 18 months) til delivery to have another baby. We hope that another baby will bless our family in the next few months. Kyndal.. send him/her .. you can play later!

When I was in Wyoming I found a picture of my grandparents when they were really young. It was a picture I had never seen.. or atleast remembered...I picture heaven like this... Grandma Hazel is taking care of Kyndal.. among others I am sure. Does she peek into our lives and see what we are/arent doing? I wish she would send me some patience and alot of it.. her brothers are driving me about crazy.. School will start soon and they are excited...

In my room I have on my dresser all of Kyndals things. The blessing dress in the frame, pictures, a teddy bear, her handprints and feetprints... Stuff always piles up on that dresser, but last night I dusted it all off. It looks so much better when I can see all of her "stuff".

We sure are happy to have her part of our family and think of her often.

9 nine

We have been in Wyoming with Grandma Dill when the 8th came. It has been 9 months. Time is a crazy thing. It seems like yesterday we were holding you in our arms, but it seems like so long ago some days.
We flew into Las Vegas to see Grandpa Dill and went to the temple with Camie and Neil while we were there. I felt like I was at home in the Las Vegas temple.. the celestial room was a beautiful place and still my favorite. I felt close to you.
Camie and Neil made a beautiful hardbound book with your pictures in it. I cried when they gave it to me. It will be a treasure in our house forsure. I'm glad we have friends that are so thoughtful.

Memorial Day

I think the only other time I have gone to a cemetary on Memorial Day was a few years back when I was in Wyoming, and put flowers on my Grandmother and Grandfathers graves. As the day approached, we knew Blades would be working that day, so we went early last week before the holiday to visit Kyndals grave. Monday, my friend Debra called to tell me she had been there and had stopped to see Kyndal. ( her husband is buried in the same cemetary.. we always stop to see eachothers graves) I did not have plans on going down there yesterday, but figured I had better. Blades was working, so it was just the kids and I. We visited for a while, then went to McDonalds to play. There were lots of visitors there that day. I always thought Memorial Day was just for the military, but I guess this holiday is a new one for our family. These pictures are from about a month ago..

Kyndal's flowers

Case reading his scriptures. Each time we go he looks for his Book of Mormon in the car.

The boys listening to dad read a scripture

Happy to have his own Book of Mormon

Sweet brothers

Just a few thoughts...

Camden and Case got a helium balloon today, and always want to send it up to Kyndal in heaven. They thought about it, then changed their minds.. the thought was nice :)

We were watching the Walk for the cure TV ad the other day, and the lady talks about not having a choice if she was going to lose her mom or not.. Camden said " we lost Kyndal huh mom?". It was cute and thoughtful.

We were running errands the other day and were near the grave. We decided to make a quick stop. The boys love to gather pinecones, and see what other treasures people leave for their babies. I am thankful that they enjoy going and visiting Kyndals grave and that its not scary for them.

The weather was perfect today, and the clouds in the sky were white and puffy.. It made this momma happy.. and made me think of baby Kyndal.

6 months.. half a year

Today Kyndal would be 6 months old. Wow time has really gone by quickly. As much as it has flown by we feel really blessed. The grief is still there, but comes in less. We still think about her daily. Even her brothers remind us about her. Today we had morning prayer on her rug that is in our room. Case was the one who mentioned the rug.. it was sweet.
At support group we were talking about how everyone is in different places of thier grief.. some just lost babies.. others it has been years.. the feelings never change.. but things get a little easier as time passes. I am finding that to be so true. Many others in the group are still so angry.. I am so grateful that I have never felt angry in this whole process. Some of these dads want to hurt people. Blades too has never felt angry about it. It has been life changing.. but now I have a piece of our family in Heaven waiting for us. It makes heaven seem a bit more real.. and close..

Time does some crazy things..