Christmastime

We collected pinecones from Kyndal's cemetary a few weeks ago. This is what we made with them.. ornaments for Grandparents. We also made birdfeeders with pinecones too. it was fun having Kyndal be a part of it from the pinecones.. It made them more special..
We went to decorate the other day her grave. The kids enjoyed decorating the little metal tree we have for her.

a kiss

your hands felt so soft.. and perfect... just like the rest of your tiny body.

I look forward to the day I can kiss your pretty girly hands again.

Walking to remember

We walked with balloons for her..

I made these necklaces with her on them. so everyone could see how cute she is.

The boys wore their " im a big brother" shirts

I couldnt believe how many people were there.. all going through the same thing

a wonderful event to honor children that have died.

we will be adding this to our yearly calendars.

Group was last night... there were 2 new people. they are just starting their grief journey. A journey it is... but how far I have come in 1 year. Time helps.. and heals. It is still hard, but time makes it easier...

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

Happy Birthday Kyndal

We celebrated the day with friends at your grave. We had pink cookies, pink balloons and released them for you to catch.

The day was easier than I thought it would be. There were tears, but got through it with the help of friends, family and prayers... Those help the most I know they do. I appreciate all those that remembered you on your special day.

Our house is full of beautiful flowers that friends and family have sent. They have brightened our house and spirits.

We miss and love you Kyndal Ann.. we are that much closer to being with you again!
The best advice I heard was " be her mom today". I tried to remember that all day..

friends and flowers

What wonderful friends we have. I recieved both of these sets of flowers today. Each time I recieved them, I cried. My friends are so thoughtful. Some things I've learned about flowers...

I always associate them with funerals now..

The smell reminds me of my hospital room

Our house was bursting with flowers when we came home last year.

We have alot of vases now.

They brighten my day!

I made it through

Last night was support group.. I knew it would be hard with the anniversary coming on Friday. I made it through. It was a great group. Layne came with me. Blades stayed home with the boys. It will be a tough week, but we can do it with the help of the Lord. Thanks to all of you for thinking about us this week. It means alot!

A poem thats perfect

No treats, no tricks this year
to brighten up her smile
No searches for tiny costumes
down crowded clothing aisles

I did not get to choose
what my child would be this year
For you see, she's gone to heaven
and the future seems so unclear

But I imagine she has a tiny halo
floating right above her head
And I swear shes watching over us
and this is what she said.

"I may not get to join you
on this chilly Halloween night
But I'm a tiny angel now,
I'm never out of sight

You can see me in the changing leaves
that fall from above
And when the wind whistles by your ear
I'm whispering my love


I saw this on a friends facebook status who also lost a baby to a cord accident. I thought it was perfect!

a teary day

1. A sunday school lesson where we were asked to share a scripture that has touched us lately. I shared 3 nephi 11.. when Christ comes to visit the people here and blesses the children one by one.. and that how the things that were felt and seen couldnt be written down.. because there were no words for it.. ( i'm paraphrasing here )
It was a chapter that Blades and I read in the hospital after Kyndal had died. It gave us comfort. What a blessing that we could turn to the scriptures and find peace during a difficult time..
While sharing this experience I couldnt help but bawl.. There I sit next to some great friends who have meant alot and helped us tremendously through this.. Bishop Bourgeous came up to me afterwards with tears in his eyes and expressed how much he appreciated sharing her story with the class. ( he was there and our first visitor at the hospital)
He said that there would be many more times when we would be able to share this with others.

2. An email from a cousin that included sweet words about Kyndal and our family. It is great to get unexpected notes from loved ones that mention our experience. I appreciate it. and love talking about Kyndal.

3. The word "year" is getting closer. I'm a bit worried about "the day".. but we are having a Kyndal celebration on the 8th at her gravesite. We wanted to do something, but not a party.. We will release balloons, and have cookies and punch.

I wrote in the kids' journals today. I try to do it atleast once a month. I will go now and look at her pictures and books. I will be more teary, but it feels good. At support group the counselor said grief tears are chemically different than any other tears. That has always stuck with me, and I remember crying is ok. It's tough when the kids come up to me and ask if I am happy or sad.. It makes me cry more..

We were driving by a bridge today and Camden said if it broke and we fell down there he would get a rope, climb up and rescue me, dad, case and Kyndal if she was here. It was sweet. I am so glad they remember their sister.

eleven

11 months ago she was here.. for a short time.
I was able to touch her, and hold her perfect body.
It feels like so long ago, yet the memories are still sweet like it was yesterday.
The boys rubbed her head and arms at the funeral home when they met her for the first time.
It was sweet... a memory I will never replace. We went in as a family .. just blades and I.. and the kids..and Kyndal was all dressed in white.., not yet in her "basket" ( like Camden calls it)... they would of stayed there all evening just looking at her.

The reality of it all seems to be more real on days like the 8th. With 1 year approaching, although it's just another day I am worried how that day will be. It's not like I still wont miss her, but I fear that since its a big milestone things will change. I pray that she will always be close to all of us.. the kids will be able to remember meeting their sister.. who now watches and cheers for them from above.

Now that my shirt and neck are wet from tears, I'd better get Kyndal's brothers a snack. Next month is also the walk to remember. The support group that I go to holds it every year. I am hoping Grandma Dill can make her a square for the blankets that people walk with to remember thier baby's.

I went to a body image class that our ward had. Special speakers came and it talked all about how girls and women feel how their bodies should look like.. How the media portrays women. I felt close to Kyndal and I was thinking.. wow she will never have to worry about any of this... her body is perfect. They also talked about how womens bodies change as teenagers and on through womanhood for one reason only. To have babies.. a big part of Heavenly Fathers plan... I will always be grateful for the blessing of having Kyndal. Although she is not here with a body, she will always be ours. I held a baby that night who was tiny.. I've never really gotten emotional while holding someone elses baby since Kyndal died, I guess it was because I felt her so close that evening.. since the message was for mothers and daughters. The mother told me how much she has thought about me the last 6 weeks since her baby was born. Another friend, saying kind words.

The one thing I do think about it.. would she be chunky?? most likely yes!
What would her brothers be trying to feed/play with her..

I guess once we are all in heaven.. she can show me all of that stuff.. for now I hold onto the few but precious memories we had with Kyndal. Our lives will never be the same. We were changed that day last October.. for the good..

A thoughtful friend and lots of baby girls

Kyndal's big flower in her hair.

This is a picture of me at my babyshower for Kyndal. Almost a year ago.. I wore this pink flower in my hair since my shirt was brown I figured I needed to sport some pink for her arrival. A good friend had given me this flower the day we found out that Kyndal was a girl. Rian and Chloe brought over pink cupcakes, and this hairflower. It was packed in the bag for Kyndal at the hospital and she wore it for many of her pictures that we took of her. The gerber daisy is important to our family now. I think of Kyndal when I see one. The flower overpowered her little head, but it sure was cute. I still wear the flower quite often.. Holiday's mostly..

so she is in our pictures :)

I also wore it at her funeral. In her vase of flowers at her gravesite there is a big gerber daisy too!

Crystal is a great friend who actually put Kyndal's blessing dress in a shadow box for me and has been a great support through Kyndal's death. She came to the hospital more than once.. offered her hugs and thoughts. She lost Sage in March 09 to SIDS. We visited a few times after his death, and she is an amazing friend. We love to get together and talk about our babies that are now in heaven. She had Ellie a few days ago, and I got to meet her last night. She is adorable and it's so fun to see how happy their whole family is with this new gift right from heaven.

The night of her delivery, it was stormy and I couldnt help but think of Sage throwing a fit up there having to let his sister come to earth...

Her mom posted this on her blog and wanted to copy it to mine..

( her mom took all of the pictures at Kyndal's funeral, viewing and burial..)

( from Liz's blog)

This picture we took in memory of Kyndal Ann White, daughter of Crystal's dear friend Cori White. Kyndal was born still October 8, 2009. Cori wore a pink flower at her shower and then wore that same flower at her daughters funeral. The pink flower is in memory of Kyndal. We like to think of Sage and Kyndal together with Ellie before she was born. Telling her about all her wonderful family and this amazing place we call " earth". In Memory of Kyndal.

I bawled as I read this on her blog. It was wonderful to see someone remember Kyndal other than us. This family is so thoughtful and I am happy they have a rainbow baby.
Thanks Crystal and Liz!

Monday, my dad's girlfriends daughter JoAnn had a baby Jenni..
( a little early so she is still growing but will be home soon)

Joe and Diane had a baby girl on Wed morning at home.. and I am so glad everything went well.

Crystal and Spencer had Ellie on Tue night..

Lots of baby girls

Thinking of her

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner and one of them asked " Who is Kyndal?" He had seen the sign that we have in our living room.. Camden got to tell him all about her.. and that she is in heaven waiting for us. I love talking about her, but it was fun to see Camden so willing and happy to tell them about his sister.

Support group is the first Monday of the month.. and yesterday ( tuesday) I remembered.. A day late.. oops.. I was bugged at myself. I always enjoy going.. so next month I will put it on my calendar forsure.

We are coming upon 10 months. It seems like yesterday.. but a long time ago too. Can't wait for eternity.. Time will be better there.. plus she will be with us FOREVER!

The dr. told us to wait 9 months ( 18 months) til delivery to have another baby. We hope that another baby will bless our family in the next few months. Kyndal.. send him/her .. you can play later!

When I was in Wyoming I found a picture of my grandparents when they were really young. It was a picture I had never seen.. or atleast remembered...I picture heaven like this... Grandma Hazel is taking care of Kyndal.. among others I am sure. Does she peek into our lives and see what we are/arent doing? I wish she would send me some patience and alot of it.. her brothers are driving me about crazy.. School will start soon and they are excited...

In my room I have on my dresser all of Kyndals things. The blessing dress in the frame, pictures, a teddy bear, her handprints and feetprints... Stuff always piles up on that dresser, but last night I dusted it all off. It looks so much better when I can see all of her "stuff".

We sure are happy to have her part of our family and think of her often.

9 nine

We have been in Wyoming with Grandma Dill when the 8th came. It has been 9 months. Time is a crazy thing. It seems like yesterday we were holding you in our arms, but it seems like so long ago some days.
We flew into Las Vegas to see Grandpa Dill and went to the temple with Camie and Neil while we were there. I felt like I was at home in the Las Vegas temple.. the celestial room was a beautiful place and still my favorite. I felt close to you.
Camie and Neil made a beautiful hardbound book with your pictures in it. I cried when they gave it to me. It will be a treasure in our house forsure. I'm glad we have friends that are so thoughtful.

Memorial Day

I think the only other time I have gone to a cemetary on Memorial Day was a few years back when I was in Wyoming, and put flowers on my Grandmother and Grandfathers graves. As the day approached, we knew Blades would be working that day, so we went early last week before the holiday to visit Kyndals grave. Monday, my friend Debra called to tell me she had been there and had stopped to see Kyndal. ( her husband is buried in the same cemetary.. we always stop to see eachothers graves) I did not have plans on going down there yesterday, but figured I had better. Blades was working, so it was just the kids and I. We visited for a while, then went to McDonalds to play. There were lots of visitors there that day. I always thought Memorial Day was just for the military, but I guess this holiday is a new one for our family. These pictures are from about a month ago..

Kyndal's flowers

Case reading his scriptures. Each time we go he looks for his Book of Mormon in the car.

The boys listening to dad read a scripture

Happy to have his own Book of Mormon

Sweet brothers

Just a few thoughts...

Camden and Case got a helium balloon today, and always want to send it up to Kyndal in heaven. They thought about it, then changed their minds.. the thought was nice :)

We were watching the Walk for the cure TV ad the other day, and the lady talks about not having a choice if she was going to lose her mom or not.. Camden said " we lost Kyndal huh mom?". It was cute and thoughtful.

We were running errands the other day and were near the grave. We decided to make a quick stop. The boys love to gather pinecones, and see what other treasures people leave for their babies. I am thankful that they enjoy going and visiting Kyndals grave and that its not scary for them.

The weather was perfect today, and the clouds in the sky were white and puffy.. It made this momma happy.. and made me think of baby Kyndal.

6 months.. half a year

Today Kyndal would be 6 months old. Wow time has really gone by quickly. As much as it has flown by we feel really blessed. The grief is still there, but comes in less. We still think about her daily. Even her brothers remind us about her. Today we had morning prayer on her rug that is in our room. Case was the one who mentioned the rug.. it was sweet.
At support group we were talking about how everyone is in different places of thier grief.. some just lost babies.. others it has been years.. the feelings never change.. but things get a little easier as time passes. I am finding that to be so true. Many others in the group are still so angry.. I am so grateful that I have never felt angry in this whole process. Some of these dads want to hurt people. Blades too has never felt angry about it. It has been life changing.. but now I have a piece of our family in Heaven waiting for us. It makes heaven seem a bit more real.. and close..

Time does some crazy things..

Easter Promises

" Our eyes may be moist with tears, but our hearts burn with the knowledge that the bands of death have been broken and that we will one day be reunited to share the

blessings of eternal life". Thomas S. Monson

This weekend we got to listen to General Conference and hear all the messages from the prophet and apostles. What a blessing. The messages were sweet. Many spoke of the Ressurection and how we will all be reunited ( our spirits and bodies) because of Jesus Christ.

The theme of conference to me seemed to be about family and making sure we are teaching our children about Jesus Christ. How we should take every opportunity to teach our children...

"tell me the stories of Jesus".

We had a wonderful Easter dinner with some great friends and thought of Kyndal all day. We got out the nice plates, tablecloths ... I wore her flower in my hair.. I can't imagine what it will be like when we will all see her again. I can't even imagine what it will be like.

How grateful I am that Easter brings a great promise. Through Jesus Christ I can live forever.. that's part of the free gift he gave to all of us.. immortality.. It's only through Him that I can be forgiven and be worthy to return to my Father in Heaven.. and live forever with my entire family including baby Kyndal. For now I pray that others are taking care of her.. Grandma's, Aunts, cousins, friends.. I wonder what Easter is like in heaven? I hope they celebrate.. or atleast watch us celebrating and laugh at us hiding eggs in the night for our little ones to find at the crack of dawn..

I've always loved Easter.. the colors, flowers, candy and the spring in the air.. How much more special it is now to our family. A day to celebrate Christ's Resurrection.

I taught the combined YW lesson last week about Easter. I talked about Kyndal and of course bawled. I enjoyed sharing the message with these sweet 12-18 year olds. I hope they felt the Spirit and learned something new about the Atonement.

Tonight is support group. I always look forward to it.

In 3 days, Kyndal would be 6 months old. Time is crazy.. could that really be?

A Sunday dinner conversation

Eating dinner after church on Sunday, Dad asks Camden what he learned about at church.
" How to be nice to people". "Like playing with your brother." " Like playing legos with eachother."
Do you love your brother?
" Yes".
Do you have a sister?
" Yes, I miss her."

I miss her too Camden. We are approaching the 6th month of Kyndals death. Thats half a year.. unbelievable how fast time goes. What kinds of things would she be doing? She would of been chubby forsure. Would she allow me to put those huge bows in her hair? With Easter coming, I am looking forward to the message that comes with Easter. That everyone will be resurrected and live again. We are patiently waiting for that day. I am kinda bummed that Easter falls on General Conference weekend, and I wont be able to dress up my kids and take them to church... but maybe its a blessing.
We got some new flowers and a windmill to put at Kyndals grave. As soon as I bought it, Camden knew just who it was for. Maybe the pink and purple gave it away, but I'm glad he is thinking about her too!
This morning Case snuck into bed with us and fell back asleep. I peeked over at him, and his eyes looked just like Kyndal's sleeping face. It made me happy!

Flowers

Kyndal,
Valentines Day was yesterday, and your dad got me some white roses and set them in a vase in the kitchen when he was home, and I was out with your brothers. It was one of the vases from the many beautiful flowers that were sent to us when you passed away. I walked by them and smelled them. I love the smell of flowers, especially roses, and it had a new smell and new memories when I smelled them this time. I thought of you. I told your dad I didnt think that I would ever smell flowers again and not think of you. When we were in the hospital, nurses and visitors would come in and they would all comment about how pretty the flowers were and commented on how pretty it smelled in our room.
I wore the pink gerber daisy yesterday to church on my dress. It makes me happy when I see it. I can still picture it overwhelming your little head, but every girl has to have a big flower on a headband.. or atleast you were going to.. :)
The kids noticed the flower on me too, and I told them it was Kyndals flower. A friend at church commented on the flower too, and I said it was yours.. She said she thought so... Dad said he tried to find gerber daisies instead of roses, but couldnt find any. He is so thoughtful.
Aunt Joan called today and wondered how I am doing. She wanted me to know that she was thinking of me, and wanted to tell me she loved me. It was a wonderful phone call. She has meant alot to me over the years. Her and Uncle Nick always set such an example to me when I was growing up. She wanted to tell me her heart breaks for us.. They too lost a daughter. Sydney was struck by lightning when she was a Junior in HS. My mom was pregnant with me, so it has been 32 years, but the feelings are still real. I love hearing stories about Sydney and how it brought their family close after the accident. I told Aunt Joan I feel so blessed. Priorities and life changes once you lose a child. The big things matter now like life after death, and we cant wait to see Kyndal again. It was nice break in the middle of my day to think about you. I love you baby!
Here is just one of the many arrangements that were sent.

Kyndal being held by her Grandmother Dill with the big flower

She looked like you mommy..

The other day we were talking about Kyndal and I asked Camden what he remembered about Kyndal.. What did she look like I asked... " She looked like you Mommy". It was the sweetest thing to hear. We have looked at pictures of me as an infant and she really did look alot like me. That makes me happy. She had dark hair and Im sure she had dark eyes.
In Primary, they were talking about the Resurection, and Camden leaned over to his teacher and mentioned something about Case, him and his sister Kyndal being resurrected.
( Thanks Debra for listening to the sweet moment and sharing it )
Yesterday marked 4 months since Kyndal's death. Time is funny. It seems like yesterday, but yet the time is going so fast.
We visited her grave, bought some flowers to leave out and a Valentine balloon.
For Family night, we watched the video we have of Kyndal in the hospital, Blades giving her a blessing, and the time the kids were able to see her at the funeral home. They kept rubbing and rubbing her head. It was so sweet. I cherish those videos we have. It is so much different than still pictures, although we love those too.
I will try to find the infant picture of me and post it soon.

Support

Today I feel supported. It's quite the word. It means so many things. I have felt the support from family, friends, the Lord , ward members, and a new group that I met last night. I was worried about attending not knowing what to expect from a bereavement infant loss support group provided at the hospital. It's on the first Monday of the month, and I always seem to miss it when my mind would think about going. Well I made it last night, along with two great friends. Anabel and Vicky came with me. Blades had to work last night, so I knew I didnt want to go alone. I even called the hospital and asked what I should expect. I was nervous. Was I ready to share my story of Kyndal with strangers? I felt brave and walked in. We all introduced ourselves and could share whatever about our babies that we wanted to. There were others there that too had stillborn children, some genetic disorders, some miscarriages. All attending had some sort of loss. I was alot more emotional than I thought I would be. Just hearing other peoples stories helped me feel like I was not the only one feeling the way I was feeling. Some were angry with the hospital, dr's, and some were angry with God. It bugged me, but I had to realize I am blessed to have the gospel in my life. I know God would not do this to me, or Kyndal. It's amazing the peace that the gospel brings and that the word "angry" was not something I feel. We also talked about the things some people say to those who have lost someone. Most people don't know what to say.. and that's ok...
Don't "should" yourself, and don't let others " should" on you.. (If you say it outloud it sounds almost like a bad word.)
It was a great night. I came home and told Blades about it. We hope to make it together next month. We stopped at In and Out Burger on the way home.. YUM!
So Thanks for the support that you have given our family. I hope to be able to support others like they have supported us.
We even shared pictures of our babies with eachother. Of course everyone thought Kyndal was adorable :) They are right

A Pretty Dress

We were at Costco today, and the Easter dresses are out ALREADY.. We were with Layne who has two girls, so we had to go take a peek. Camden thought they were pretty and said that maybe we needed to get one for Kyndal. Layne was thoughtful and told Camden that she probably already has a pretty dress in heaven. I love how my boys keep thinking of her. I have always loved Easter.. the colors.. the springtime.. the message of the Resurrection.. Because Christ was resurrected, we too will be.. our spirits and bodies will be reunited. Kyndal will have a perfect body and I am sure will be wearing a pretty dress. Easter I am sure will be even more special to us now.

Moms make everything better

I am already teary as I write this entry. My mom suprised us from Wyoming and came for a week. I had called her the week before crying saying how out of control my kids are. Next thing I know she was here :) You can read more about it on our family blog.
We had a wonderful week. Just spending time with eachother. Her laughing and playing with my kids. We visited Kyndal's grave and she said our family prayer. She misses Kyndal too. I felt so blessed to have her here. We didnt have many plans for the week, but we sure had a great time. I think we ate and made every treat there was to think of.. including a homemade cherry pie. Aunt Bobi Jo's crust... yuuummmmm!!
I asked her if she would help me put Kyndal's things away. Her dresser and closet were still stuffed with pink and ruffles. It was a very hard thing to do as the drawers became empty. The closet had no more clothes in them. I left her little white and pink blanket hanging in the closet, cause I just couldnt have it all the way empty. I am so glad my mom was here to help me accomplish this task. I knew it would be a hard day, and actually the night before had dreamt about Kyndal. I havent even told anyone this. The dream is vague (sp?) but I remember during the dream knowing she was dead, but she was alive in the dream and wondering why everyone else wasnt as excited as I was that she was alive. Maybe a tender mercy from the Lord, knowing that day was going to be tough. We got through it, the tubs are still in her room that is now Case and Camdens bunk bed room. They sleep in random rooms at random times.
I got an email from a friend that we grew up with in our ward.. asking some questions about Kyndal and how I am so strong? I can only say it is the Lord and the peace of the gospel that makes me strong. It was nice to email her back explaining my feelings and maybe helping her a bit. Kyndals death has helped many, and I love talking about her.
I got a call from a great friend in Las Vegas who is waiting to adopt. I was touched by the things she told me, and hope Kyndal and this unborn baby are friends and soon will join thier family. The Lord loves each of us, and I am seeing that more and more as I am going through this journey.
We picked up Kyndal's death certificate and the audio CD's of her funeral services. We listened to them on the way to Chuckie Cheese's.( grandma's idea) It was nice to hear those sweet comments and talks again. A member of our Stake Pres. spoke at her funeral and did an amazing job. One thing that really sticks out is when he was talking to the boys.. and saying listen to the roar of the crowd.. your sister is watching you as you accomplish goals and grow up. I hope they always remember Kyndal. In our prayers, they mention her and its sweet to hear. Case is quick to remind us if we havent said her name in our prayer. Another thing he mentioned was that she is just as much a part of our family now as she was or would have been. She is watching us.. the things we say.. the activities we participate in.. She's just watching from above.
The words are comforting and I am sure will be for years to come. I hope I can do the things that would make her proud of us.